Flash Metal Circus

Join The MMAR!

2010-04-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

My dear movie lovers (good & bad), I would like to ask you for your help and to support the MMAR (Movie Maniacs Against Remakes). I still live with the small hope that one day cinema can return to its former glory of magical stories and practical effects. That death and poverty will come smashing into the lives and bank accounts of everyone associated with big budget "blockbusters" and Hollywood studios. Modern technology has become too much of a crutch and money has seemingly drained all creative and vibrant filmmakers of their intelligence. Join me in ending the madness!

You can sign the petition here:

Movie Maniacs Against Remakes Petition

Please also feel free to spread the word using these banners: (courtesy of Vik)

Awful Album Art

2010-01-31T12:09:00.000-08:00

Predator - Easy Prey (1986)

What the fuck was Metal Blade thinking when they approved this cover? What were the band smoking? The guy on the cover appears to be lying in wait to attack the bikini clad blonde on the beach. He also appears to have a giant sock on his head and by the looks of his shirt, has just stumbled out of the sea after a shark attack!

Whiplash - Power & Pain (1985)

If I'd have been in Whiplash back in '85 and the artist had unveiled this cover to me for the debut album, I would have shot him dead, or to a less extreme extent - quit the band. I'm dead fuckin' serious. This album cover is woeful, looking like something a 3 year old could've knocked up with crayons. The sad thing is, Whiplash developed quite a habit for bad album art during their career...

Artillery - Terror Squad (1987)

What is it with awesome thrash metal bands having terrible cover art for their records? I don't understand what so badass about letting a child loose with felt pens to conjure up your new album's sleeve. For such a great album, from such a brutal band, you'd expect something a bit more impressive. It just looks so goofy, with that giant fucking rat dominating the cover! Plus, whoever designed this cover, couldn't be fucking bothered to colour in the rest of the background!

Rogue Male - First Visit (1985)

Right away you know this is an 80s cover. It just oozes cheese. Jim Lyttle's huge Mad Max meets-the-Terminator head staring back at you aided by the most bland, basic colour schemes imaginable. Barring "Crazy Motorcycle", the actual music on this album isn't very mindblowing either. Rogue Male were hailed in 1987 by Kerrang as "the next big thing" - yet more proof Kerrang employs morons.

Kick Axe - Vices (1984)

I love Kick Axe, they were a really awesome Canadian band that flew under the radar of most metal-heads, but their cover for 1984's Vices is pathetic. A giant vice, crushing the word "vices" (oh the irony!) with two huge goofy eyeballs, sat in the middle of some valley in the middle of nowhere? What's that all about? Even worse is that abomination became the band's mascot!

Cryptic Slaughter - Convicted (1986)

Ah, thrash-crossover teens Cryptic Slaughter arrived on the scene in 1986 with the Metal Blade issued "Convicted". I'm guessing that the guys from Cryptic Slaughter went to school with Jeff Spicoli and got him to draw this bad boy during one of Mr. Hand's history classes!

Atrophy - Violent By Nature (1990)

Yet again, more amateur sleeve design for a killer thrash metal act. The problem I have with covers like this, is that it immediately turns you off a band. When you're in a record store and you stumble across thrash albums such as this, you think that it'll suck real bad, due to the cover. But, you'd seriously be missing out on some great tunes. Atrophy's cover for previous album "Socialized Hate" was great, if a little weird. Plus, it had a fucking jester/clown guy on it, so I was sold....

Warrant - Dirty, Rotten, Filthy, Stinking, Rich (1989)

I love Warrant to death, but I have always totally loathed this album cover. I understand it fits with the title of the record, but then again it's kind of condradictory, as they were selling records for a fat money grabbing bastard and he was the reason they were able to make money themselves? My main gripe though is that, Warrant were a glam metal act. There is nothing remotely glamorous, sexy or fun about this album art is there?

Riot - Thundersteel (1988)

Considering Thundersteel is possibly one of the greatest speed metal records ever, and one of the best metal albums ever, it certainly deserves a better cover than this! Most casual metal fans would baulk at the sight of this crudely drawn artwork and dismiss this masterpiece of musical steel. There's also been no attempt to jazz it up when it came to recent re-issues of the album!?

Dizzy Bitch - In The Pink (1986)

I think this fucking speaks for itself....

Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

2010-01-24T12:09:00.000-08:00

Reviewing this movie has clearly been long overdue for me, considering my strange affection for all things clown related; especially if a movie happens to involve evil, murderous clowns! Killer Klowns From Outer Space was written and directed by the Chiodo Bros. (Charles, Edward and Stephen) and unleashed upon the earth back in May of 1988. It’s not one of the best films ever made, yet it’s not one of the worst films either and that’s considering it’s far fetched plot and horrifically bad acting. Killer Klowns is pretty much the cream of the crop when it comes to watching a great bad movie. A movie you know sucks from the outset, but becomes highly entertaining and unique with its characters, sets and story etc…If you a hardened bad movie survivalist then you will probably be very familiar with this film – if not then you’re in for a real sweet treat!

Only in the 1980s could there be a film entitled: Killer Klowns From Outer Space…. But saying that, you could quite easily find a bucket load of ludicrously named movies in your local rental store’s bargain bin I bet. More times than not, they’ll be straight-to-DVD releases. But if it wasn’t for home video craze over 20yrs ago and the unrelenting slew of shamelessly cheesy B-movies, then no one these days would be inspired to use similar stupid titles and tag-lines would they? Add to that, the fact that Killer Klowns was made on a relatively miniscule budget ($2 million) compared to all the big Hollywood blockbusters of the day and that’s it’s become an undisputed cult classic; it’s not hard to see why many young, budding directors and producers churn out unoriginal turd after unoriginal turd – If they’re lucky, they’ll probably get backing from the likes of Asylum pictures and Charles Band’s Full Moon company, and those guys just wish they could’ve cranked out a bad movie behemoth in the form of Killer Klowns From Outer Space. You know right away from the name that this is not going to be a serious or highly sophisticated piece of artistic cinema. It becomes a case of damage limitation – how bad is this going to be? You tell yourself. You say to someone “Oh, I watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space last night” and wait for the huge grin to spread across their face or the rolling of their eyes due to the absurdity of what you’ve just said. Then, if that’s not humorous enough, there’s also the tagline of: “In Space No One Can Eat Ice Cream!” which is obviously a play on the Alien (1979) tag-line:, “In Space No-one Can Hear You Scream” even though it makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever, but who in their right mind expects logic from a film about killer alien clowns from space?

The film begins with “teenagers” Mike Tobacco (I kid you not) and Debbie Stone, played by Grant Cramer and Suzanne Snyder respectively, enjoying a romantic evening at “make out point” in the small town of Crescent Cove. They happen to see what they believe to be a shooting star, crashing into the woods beyond and decide to investigate that rather than lying on a rubber dingy in the back of a car drinking wine!? As the two lead numbskulls make their way towards the star, a local farmer (played by Royal Dano) goes to investigate the large circus tent which has landed near his home. He grabs his shotgun and takes along his dog, Poo…Wondering why the circus would be way out in the woods, he is set upon by grotesque harlequin inhabitants. It appears that the circus tent is actually a spaceship and that the clowns are aliens from another part of the universe. Mike and Debbie arrive and soon find this out first hand, being attacked by the clowns inside the spaceship, which looks like a set from Pee-Wee’s playhouse. They manage to escape, surviving having popcorn shot at them (!?) and head into town to inform the police of the strange creatures.

The police in this movie consist of just two officers…..for the whole damn town! One is a young cop named Dave (played by John Allen Nelson), who used to date Debbie and the other is Sgt. Mooney (played by John Vernon). Sgt. Mooney doesn’t believe them and thinks they are making mischief like all the other snot nosed punks in his beloved town. Seriously, if John Wayne had ever butt-fucked Clint Eastwood, Sgt. Mooney would have been the result. He’s a complete son of a bitch who doesn’t take any shit and little does he know that his initial scepticism will prove to be his downfall. Dave meanwhile is willing to hear Mike and Debbie’s story out and after sending Debbie home, accompanies Mike back up to woodland sex spot to investigate their claims. Of course, the giant circus tent spaceship is now gone and Dave gets pissed at Mike, accusing him of lying. As all this has been going on, the klowns have made their way into town and are killing off the locals one by one in all manner of bizarre ways.

So, on the way back to the station Dave and Mike happen to witness one of the klowns devouring a group of people through the art of shadow puppetry and then dopey Dave is finally convinced (nothing like a bit of street theatre to rile a cop, eh?). Back at the station Mooney is visited by a klown and thinks it’s some punk ass kid yanking his chain, so he tries to lock the thing up. The klown doesn’t take to kindly to being bashed with a flashlight and attacks Mooney. Later, when Mike and Dave return to the station, they find Mooney dead and Dave faces off with the offending klown, discovering a way to destroy them. When the two go to see Debbie, she goes and gets herself kidnapped in a giant balloon and taken to the klowns spaceship, now located at the funfair. They reluctantly take along the Terenzi brothers, two bumbling, greasy face, sex obsessed teens (or two 30yr old guys being passed off as teens) who drive an ice cream truck. Once inside the klowns craft, they uncover the fate of all the townsfolk. It seems the klowns have turned everyone into cotton candy, so that they can consume their blood easily (through curly straws of course!) - So that makes sense, right? After making their way through the funhouse styled hallways and freeing Debbie, they are all chased into a large room where the klowns eventually back off – only to make way for a giant klown, who must be the leader. It ends up being Dave who is left to battle “klownzilla” and the film reaches its silly climax. I won’t give it away, but it’s so stupid – in a harmless, pleasant way I might add…

There’s a deleted scene in the movie where Mike and Debbie are in the tent shaped spaceship and they talk about how cool the tent is, then Debbie tells Mike about a time when she was 5yrs old and clowns lifted her up out of her seat (at the circus) and how everyone was laughing at her. The exact same thing happened to yours truly. My parents took me to see a Ringling Bros. show when I was very young. I remember on the way in there was a clown who was walking an invisible dog (as one does in the movie), he didn’t scare me and I can’t fully recall what that clown even looked like. At one point a clown came into the audience for a volunteer, so what do my parents do? Offer up their 4-5yr old child to be made a fool of! The clown to me into the centre of the ring and I can vividly remember the way the sand felt underfoot and the bright hot lights on me as I heard the whole crowd laughing. All the clown did was plonk a stupid hat on my head and spin a giant ball on my finger, but I hated every single second of it. He ignored my crying and pleas to sit back with my parents and the whole incident felt like an eternity. It was one of my earliest childhood memories and extremely traumatic for me though, not in the sense that I became afraid of clowns, but of being the centre of attention and not being comfortable in social situations. It’s funny isn’t it how you let small incidents at an early age still affect you in later life and dictate your behavior in different circumstances?

Overall, when it comes to Killer Klowns From Outer Space, you can’t beat it in terms of originality and fun (plenty of clown/circus related gags). A lot of people say it moves along to slow, and the pacing is an issue to be honest, seeing as the plot isn’t so strong either. But, I find the production work put in to be amazing for a film that only cost around $2M as well. But then, that does beg the question as to why if you have $2M would you make a film like this? Thanks fuck the Chiodo Bros. had such a cooky vision! Plus, there’s the totally bitchin’ theme song performed by The Dickies! - Yes, the film does have many flaws and at times is a tad slow in terms of pacing, but it’s one everybody should check out. It’s not a scary film by any means, it’s not supposed to be really and the vast amounts of humor thrown in show it. I guess if you are unfortunate enough to suffer from coulrophobia, then this film will scare the crap out of you and isn’t going to be high on your list of viewing priorities. If you do make this your next purchase, make sure you grab the Region 1 version if possible, as it is loaded with a whole wealth of extras compared to the European Region 2 counterpart. At the end of the day, never judge a movie by its title, but in the case of Killer Klowns From Outer Space….err…..do?

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

XYZ - XYZ (1989)

2010-01-23T11:51:00.000-08:00

1. Maggy

2. Inside Out

3. What Keeps Me Loving You

4. Take What You Can

5. Follow the Night

6. Come On N' Love Me

7. Souvenirs

8. Tied Up

9. Nice Day To Die

10. After The Rain

If Treat’s Robert Ernlund had ever fronted Ratt and they’d recorded an album of Dokken songs, the result would be XYZ’s classy self-titled 1989 debut. Funnily enough, this record was actually produced by Don Dokken himself after he’d be blown away by the bands ability and he demanded to be the knob twiddler behind the scenes – as we all know, you don’t tell Don no, otherwise he is prone to his usual bitch fits! Anyway, XYZ were formed when a couple of French dudes named Terry Ilous (vocals) and Pat Fontaine (bass) happened to be fucking the same chick and I’m led to believe both knew at the time they were sharing second-hand snatch! They packed up their gear and perms one day, deciding it was more productive to move to the land of STDs and opportunity….California, where they could integrate themselves into L.A.’s glitzy music scene full of hairspray and harlots. After battling it out on the club circuit and cutting some demos they eventually hooked up with Marc Diglio (guitar) and Paul Monroe (drums), thus rounding out the classic XYZ line-up and banged out their first record on the Enigma label.

“I came to the USA with $500 dollars in my pocket, lots of dreams, and I did not speak English. I only knew French and Spanish. Trying to get signed was very difficult and most bands would not want to deal with me...so I formed a band around myself. Amazingly, it paid off. It was like a dream come true.” –Terry Ilous

I had known of XYZ for quite a few years, but it wasn’t until I saw the video for “Inside Out” on a VHS my girlfriend at the time had shown me, that I properly heard their music. I wasn’t instantly knocked out with these guys, but I was smart enough to know they were dog’s bollocks in terms of being excellent musicians. They had the aforementioned perms, a simple name and plenty of cool hooks aided by average 80s metal guy looks. I think what put me off, is that the VHS tape I mentioned was given to my then 17 year old girlfriend by a fat, 40 year old record store worker whose cock she’d been sucking since age 15! Back then I could safely say, I hated every single motherfucking band that was on that tape (and there was some real rockin’ shit on it) and that’s he first time I associated music negatively with events in my life. She later fucked and even older dude, who rewarded her with a Cats In Boots LP for her troubles – so, what happened then? I fucking hated Cats In Boots after that!

Later, after getting reacquainted with XYZ on their debut LP and also with their follow up effort “Hungry” (I own the Japanese release), my appreciation and fondness for them grew. The production on the debut is very slick and polished, which has had fans in hot debate for over twenty years now as XYZ’s earlier sound was more edgy. I prefer what Don Dokken did with the band initially. I am not one of these carbon copy cat-callers, I do see a similarity to Dokken, but XYZ have their own identity and do bring a lot more originality to the table. As a debut goes “XYZ” is an exceptionally strong offering of melodic metal bliss. My favourite cut is without a doubt “Maggy” which was a lead off single (should have been pushed more with a promo video) that also got featured in the Dolf Lundgren movie I Come In Peace (Dark Angel in the UK). “Maggy” is an awesome song, a hard rock classic. The song really showcases Terry Ilous strong, rich voice that simply soars effortlessly over the magical fretwork of Marc Diglio, who on his day can go toe to toe with any of the planets best hard rock axe masters. I find with more and more listens that Diglio is fast becoming one of my favourite players. The dude’s riffs are simple yet wickedly cool and his solos smoke. I swear it’s like taking all the best fills from the old REH metal tech videos and cramming them perfectly into awesome solo after awesome solo. “Take What You Can”, “Souvenirs” and “Come On N’ Love Me” are the other really great tracks to be found on this album. When Terry sings the chorus on “Souvenirs” though, it always makes me chuckle uncontrollably as I hear it as Sue Veneers (as in dental veneers). Like it’s a ballad about some bitch’s teeth!

As well as “Inside Out” being released as a single, the label (possibly the band) also went with “What Keeps Me Loving You” and this is where I feel that XYZ missed out on going supernova globally. If the label had pushed “Maggy” more and put out “Take What You Can” as a follow up, with maybe “After The Rain” as the staple ballad, then the band may have landed a big hit. Unfortunately, times changed, the musical climate changed (you’ll be reading this a lot!) and XYZ were dumped in the gutter by the tasteless money grabbing suits at Capitol. Everyone in the world decided that they wanted the party to finally end, get depressed and worship heroin shooting tramps. But hey, that was the 90s – the music back then didn’t last and isn’t looked on anywhere near as fondly as the hard rock of the 80s. XYZ should have been huge and they weren’t – that was a great injustice. But, if you’ve never heard this band before or you forgot about them long ago, it’s time to hunt this record down and grab the ‘ol denim jacket from the wardrobe (maybe whip out the spandex too) and enjoy one of the best late 80s melodic metal acts ever. Au Revoir…

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Dark Angel - Darkness Descends (1986)

2010-01-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

1. Darkness Descends

2. The Burning Of Sodom

3. Hunger Of The Undead

4. Merciless Death

5. Death Is Certain (Life Is Not)

6. Black Prophecies

7. Perish In Flames

After pretty much flooring legions of head-bangers with the impressive and aptly named “We Have Arrived” in 1985, Dark Angel came back for another round of mind bludgeoning metal in 1986 with their monster magnum opus “Darkness Descends”, an album so brutal and evil it makes Slayer’s post “Reign In Blood” output seem like a bunch of Garth Brooks ditties! The main reason behind this is the addition of now legendary skinsman Gene Hoglan. His drumming literally leaps out of every track and beats the living shit out of you and it’s all flawlessly tight, as tight as an owl’s vagina. His fills are like death the chants to a blood soaked cannibal ritual; then add on top of that the rasping, menacing vocals of Don Doty and the over-the-top time changes and guitar riffs, like steel piranhas stripping flesh to bone in an endless assault. You have something beasty indeed. Mind blowing really, is the easiest way to describe Dark Angel’s brand of extreme thrash. You pop “Darkness Descends” onto a turntable or a CD into a stereo and prepare to be frightened by the sheer force. Those of a nervous disposition best stay away, or else you’ll be cowering behind the sofa and struggling to fight off a seizure!

Dark Angel was formed in Downey, California around 1981, when the Bay Area thrash movement was dawning and first went by the name of Shellshock playing local bars and clubs. In 1984, with Don Doty on vocals, Eric Meyer and Jim Durkin on guitar, Rob Yahn on bass, Jack Schwartz on drums. Later, the band was solidified by the addition of Gene Hoglan taking over the drum stool from Schwartz. They switched to their now famous moniker and recorded some demos before making a deal with the Azra label. “We Have Arrived” made waves in the thrash metal scene back in ‘85, with its incredibly fast tempos and partly due to the track “Welcome To The Slaughterhouse” which had been featured on the Metal Massacre VI compilation that same year. Dark Angel were yet another band that got tipped for the big time, but never broke into the media created “Big Four” of thrash metal, despite tons of unrelenting aggression that was matched with even more technical intricacy. By the time “Darkness Descends” rolled round, Dark Angel could be considered bordering on death metal stylings and were already influencing a whole host of up and coming Bay Area bands. I’ll admit it took me a few listens to truly get into this album – there is no subtle introduction or forewarning – just bowel scraping hellfire…

Granted, the production on “Darkness Descends” is very muddy, but it is still definitely a step up from the debut’s overall sound and even though it’s also lacking a track that matches up to “Hell’s On It’s Knees” from the previous album, this is still a mighty platter. I would say the biggest and baddest track on here is “The Burning Of Sodom”, which absolutely borders on the ridiculous (that’s a compliment by the way!)! My personal favourite though, and the most memorable track for me is “Death Is Certain (Life Is Not)”, who’s title and message instantly and somewhat morbidly ring true. “Merciless Death” is probably the most well known Dark Angel song here amongst thrash connoisseurs along with the excellent album closer “Perish In Flames”. The only track that lets the record down in my opinion is the actual opener and title track. It just seems messy. To casual listeners and fans of other music this whole album is going to sound horrifically messy, but to seasoned thrash nuts you can tell when a track isn’t really going anywhere and if it doesn’t have any memorable riffs. “Darkness Descends” the track, is only really impressive in its utter sonic battery rather than structure or even melody, of which there is zero. All in all, this is still Dark Angel’s best release and should be a high priority listen for fans of Slayer, Sabbat and Death etc…I would recommend picking up “Time Does Not Heal” for further evidence of this band’s punishing capabilities. Undoubtedly merciless...

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Guitar Zero

2010-01-11T10:59:00.000-08:00

Since Guitar Hero’s inception back in 2005, it has gone from strength to strength much to my dismay, due to my being a player of the actual real instrument. Parents all around the globe for the past 20 years have claimed that their kids spend way too much time on their video game systems; shut in their rooms, the curtains drawn when it’s a gorgeous summer’s day outside, there’s homework to be done, perhaps ignoring family that have come to visit, and eventually comes the sound above everybody’s heads of a controller being slammed on the floor because the grumpy little thumb-basher couldn’t make it to L7 on whatever new £50 game the fucking parental unit gave in over. I haven’t had much of a problem with video games over the years. Being young, I’ve played my fair share but due to work and relationships, you know, the “real world” I’ve outgrown it and look upon all that stuff now as somewhat immature. If kids and adults want to spend all day staring at a TV screen whilst monotonously pressing bits of plastic, who am I to tell them not to? If that’s something you want to do and you get enjoyment out it, then so be it, that’s fine.

The problem that I have, I lay squarely at the door of a company called Red Octane who are the publishers of Guitar Hero and its constant slew of instalments and editions. It’s the fact that kids are now wasting their time pretending to be musicians – some being deluded enough to think that they are musicians and that they can actually play the songs on these games if they picked up a real guitar! I don’t understand the complete idiocy of parents today, where they’ll shell out 100s of £’s on a game console, all the peripherals and the actual games themselves, when they can buy a real instrument for the same price, in most cases, cheaper. Why not give your child a decent hobby, whereby they are learning about real music, they can be productive, creative and shock horror……possibly gain a career out of it! There’s nothing more satisfying than finally nailing a solo after months of practice, feeling that sense of accomplishment – growing in confidence, talent, being able to genuinely impress and entertain others, even score with the opposite sex – it’s wonderful. Compare that to gawking at a screen for hours on end holding a fake guitar and trying to make a track play through correctly like some sort of anti-social organ grinder! The only thing you are rewarded with is maybe, a high-five from your greasy neighbour or a sandwich provided by mommy….

I’ve conversed with a few people my own age and a bit younger who are hooked on this craze and they all whine the same thing: “Oh, I tried playing a guitar one time, but it was too hard” or “I can play songs faster on here, rather than practicing for real. I haven’t got the patience.” Do these people realize what they’re saying!? So, you’re willing to quit at something because it’s too hard and you won’t attempt something due to impatience? What kind of attitude is that to have? Seriously, there’s a hell of a lot of young people out there who are in for a shock when the world comes and kicks them in the butt. They won’t get far in life at all. But hey, life’s “too hard” right, so let’s leave them to it….

Then, I’m just browsing the internet and I may happen to listen to a song someone has uploaded onto YouTube, I scroll down to see the comments – Lo and behold! …”This is from Guitar Hero”. That’s all I ever read: “That’s from Guitar Hero”, on Credence Clearwater songs, Poison songs, Sammy Hagar songs and Kansas songs! Err, hello! These are records that are 20-30, even 40 years old! They have been committed to vinyl, tape and CD long before any of these mindless zombies were even sperm and egg cells! There appears to be a miracle, of which I am clearly not aware – that people are actually born yesterday and are then, fully capable of spouting as much crap as possible whilst obviously being right! Go back years and years and you will unearth a whole treasure trove of wonderful varied music. All the kids seem to dig the stuff they hear on these games just as much, sometimes more, than what the radio and charts are shoving down their throats. Quality and class prevails, that’s why a majority of these games use older music, from the times when a guy (or girl) could pick up a guitar and be considered a god due to their technical ability. You don’t see or hear that today and if the next generation is quite satisfied with just pressing buttons on a lump of plastic, then where is the music of tomorrow going to come from?

© Flash Metal Circus

Agent Steel - Unstoppable Force (1987)

2010-01-10T07:08:00.000-08:00

1. Unstoppable Force

2. Never Surrender

3. Indestructive

4. Chosen To Stay

5. Still Searchin’

6. Rager

7. The Day At Guyana

8. Nothin' Left

9. Traveler

It was a hot summer’s day and I had returned home from seeing my fiancée the night before. I was all skanky and sleep deprived. I was greeted by a small package that had been delivered, lying on the floor behind the front door. I had planned on hitting the sack, but when I opened the package, I discovered my brand new copy of Agent Steel’s 1987 supersonic opus “Unstoppable Force” – it had been lovingly re-released by Century Media back in 1999, though I had only recently become aware of the band’s existence, I’d been after this one for a while. I quickly tore off that annoying cellophane wrapping they put on CDs and slam dunked the disc into my big ass JVC boom box. Up went the volume to 30 and bass to 6 (which is the maximum levels on my player – loud as fuck!), I then pressed play and literally decimated the neighbourhood!

The title track “Unstoppable Force” has to be one of the greatest speed metal/thrash recordings in history. I would never hesitate to slap it onto a list of top songs within the metal genre and it’d always feature quite highly, as it’s so damn powerful. It simply pummels you into oblivion! The frenzied guitar riff of Juan Garcia comes pounding in like a goddamn sledgehammer and literally batters the fuck out your ears, the stereo and the whole house! “Unstoppable Force” is so tight and precise, it’s an absolute joy – I swear I have played that track thousands upon thousands of times and constantly at full blast. It just has to be done and it never gets old. Everything on this platter is immense plain and simple without ever sounding dated, even singer Jon Cyriis’s bizarre anthropological/astrological based lyrics: “Bloodpools of tears, the gods cussed forever/the walls of Giza, their message was so clear” – What the fuck!? From the start people, this is metal that commands unequivocal worship…

“Rager” is my other personal favourite and it is most certainly a standout. There’s even more to love here, with a big beefy chugging riff and the unique and interesting delivery of singer Jon Cyriis (sounding like a possessed chicken!) as he offers additional wild musings from his whacked out brain-box: “Bow of the cynic, whistle your fear/signals of warning, message from space/hammering metal into your heads” How fucking awesome is that line right there! “Hammering metal into your heads” – it does not get any cooler than that does it? The other big track is the instrumental “The Day At Guyana”. Most people scoff at instrumentals and perhaps think they are just filler pieces, but even though that may be the case at times, this one is fantastic. The guitar work is extremely classy and deserves a listen. Things do get a little subdued with “Still Searchin’” and “Traveler”, but that does not mean they lack quality at all. You will find zero filler here my friends, just insanely good metal.

Lead vocalist Jon Cyriis really was totally bat-shit crazy, but boy did he have a stunning vocal range! He used to have a split personality (often changing his name), referred to himself as the “communicative channel”, was obsessed with UFOs, the Illuminati and Bermuda Triangle and it’s rumoured he once tried to force the rest of the band to get Agent Steel tattoos! I’m considering compiling some kind of bat-shit crazy hall of fame, so he’s pretty much going to be entrant numero uno. Cyriis, later going by the name Max Kobol seems to have fallen off the face of the earth since 1993 after a few unsuccessful playing partnerships folded. No one knows his location or if he’s still involved in music. Last that was heard, he had jaunted off to Japan for a while, but he’s been completely AWOL now for nigh on 17 years...

If aliens do exist and they have managed to craft musical instruments and happen to play metal, then it’ll probably sound exactly like Agent Steel. Hell, I bet that’s where former lead vocalist Jon Cyriis actually is right now – in a galaxy far, far away jamming with a bunch of denim and leather clad extra terrestrials! Agents Steel’s brand of power/thrash is utterly out of this world. There’s not much you can compare it to. Most listeners would hear a resemblance to Queensryche and Iron Maiden I suppose, that is, if both bands were strung out on amphetamines and hooked on blast beats. “Unstoppable Force” garnered an astounding 91 points in Metal Forces magazine upon its release, received incredible reviews across Europe and is the place to start when first accessing Agent Steel. You must, I repeat, YOU MUST hear this record!

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Movie Reviews

2010-01-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

Alligator (1980)
Alligator II: The Mutation (1990)
Cut & Run (1985)
Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
Masters Of The Universe (1987)
Over The Top (1987)
Pervirella (1997)
Rawhead Rex (1986)
To Live & Die In L.A. (1985)

Music Reviews

2010-01-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

Aerosmith - Rocks (1976)
Agent Steel - Unstoppable Force (1987)
The Bang Gang - Love Sells (1990)
Bazooka Jo - Night After Night/Talk Of The Town (1989)
Bernie Tormé - Electric Gypsies (1983)
Bon Jovi - Slippery When Wet (1986)
BulletBoys - 10c Billionaire (2009)
Cry Wolf - Crunch (1991)
Dark Angel - Darkness Descends (1986)
Guy Mann-Dude - Sleight Of Hand (1989)
Halloween - Don't Metal With Evil (1985)
Hanover Fist - Hungry Eyes (1985)
Hurricane - Take What You Want (1985)
Keel - The Right To Rock (1985)
KISS - Animalize (1984)
London - Non-Stop Rock (1985)
Ozzy Osbourne - The Ultimate Sin (1986)
Ratt - Invasion Of Your Privacy (1985)
Savatage - Fight For The Rock (1986)
Star Star - The Love Drag Years (1992)
W.A.S.P. - Babylon (2009)
W.A.S.P. - Inside The Electric Circus (1986)
XYZ - XYZ (1989)

Sleazy Musical Contradictions

2010-01-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

The Flash Metal Circus invites you to the first part in a series of collaborations with The DarkSiders Realm.

You can read it here:

Sleazy Musical Contradictions

Guy Mann-Dude - Sleight Of Hand (1989)

2010-01-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

1. On The Verge

2. Riff Rock 'n' Rebel

3. Shredd'n It Down

4. Paint It Black

5. The Clincher

6. Guitar Solo (Sleight Of Hand)

7. Pedal To The Metal

8. Clusterphuck

9. (Beware) The Stalker

10. Legend Of Loch Ness

11. Janis, Still Hear Your Cry

12. Sleight Of Mind

Ah, Guy Mann Dude. You know this shit really writes itself sometimes….
Do I really need to even make any further comments or even review this thing, seriously? Does anyone care? Did I mention his name is Guy fucking Mann Dude! Did you read the title of this review!? Well clearly, so I shall cease my ramblings and actually get down to the real meat and gristle…

For anyone who is vaguely familiar with the name *snigger* Guy Mann Dude, then it’s probably because you either saw the Wes Craven flick Shocker or possibly own its soundtrack. Mann Dude *chuckle* contributed lead guitar to some tracks that featured other famous rockers of the time (such as Paul Stanley, Saraya, Dangerous Toys and Tommy Lee to name a few). They went under the pseudonym of “The Dudes Of Wrath”. The film sucked, the soundtrack was cool and it’s the very thing that introduced me to…….wait for it…….Guy Mann Dude *snort*. Who in the holy hell thought that was a good stage name? Was it that he was worried that people may not think he was a true red-blooded male of the human species, so he made doubly sure? No, fuck that – triply sure! Anyway GMD cut his teeth with Michael Angelo Batio’s band before magically getting a contract with MCA records and thus unleashed his own brand of instrumentalist mayhem.

Now, I love me some guitar wank. Especially the 1980s flash-in-the-pan, maple wood neck jerk kind, but frankly, this sucks balls. Guy Mann Dudes simplistic form of guitar wank isn’t even in tune half the time and the ears of most six-string superfreaks will instantly pick out all the bum notes the “guy” hits. I wanted to like this, I should’ve liked this, but fuck-a-doodle-do! Dare I even say this…..he makes Richie Sambora sound decent! …And look at the song titles – they’re fuckin’ embarrassing – they’re too damn cheesy for me! Listen for yourselves if you dare and be left indifferent by: “Riff Rock N’ Rebel”, “Clusterphuck”, “Legend Of Loch Ness” “(Beware) The Stalker” and the imaginative “Guitar Solo”! Most of these compositions really could’ve benefitted from a vocal over the top, just to make things at least interesting.

Then GMD serves up a cover song, which is the Rolling Stones classic “Paint It Black”. GMD’s version of “Paint It Black” sounds at first like someone farting into a trumpet, then eventually resembles the tune of the original albeit with the same monotonous arpeggios that a 3 year old could play. Granted the guy does have chops, but nothing mind-blowing and I suppose he would’ve impressed me had it not been for the existence of such axe gods as; Van Halen, George Lynch, Yngwie Malmsteen, Paul Gilbert, ah the list goes on. You get the idea anyway…

I’ve heard many people who’ve stumbled across this mediocre album, have ended up using it as a coaster (I bought my copy on vinyl for £2) and I can see why. The scary thing is that Guy Mann Dude made two more albums after this one! Arrgghh! Stay away…..

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Hurricane - Take What You Want (1985)

2010-01-01T06:07:00.000-08:00

1. Take What You Want

2. Girls Are Out Tonight

3. Take Me In Your Arms

4. Hurricane

5. It's Only Heaven

6. Hot & Heavy

7. L.A. Luna*

Hey, does anyone remember Quiet Riot? Of course you all do. But sadly, many people may have no recollection of a mighty L.A. based metal band by the name of Hurricane. I first came across them whilst browsing the internet a few years back and happened upon a bio on Sleaze Roxx. I’d been on eBay and managed to snap up their second record (but first major label release) “Over The Edge” for all of 99p! That album is the one that got them some recognition and airplay; due to the catchy single “I’m On To You”. I’ll admit I wasn’t overly enthralled by the whole record, but I could clearly tell that this was a damn fine bunch of players. Enigma records really dropped the ball with Hurricane back in the 80s, they should have been massive. Instead, Enigma were more interested in pushing white metal groups such as Barren Cross and Stryper….The band were unbelievably overlooked back in the day and had to live in the shadow of another closely associated L.A. act too…

You see, Hurricane contained the two younger brothers of Quiet Riot’s Rudy Sarzo and Carlos Cavazo. Now, you may think that they would’ve been brought together thanks to their older siblings and practically handed a record deal, but this was not the case. Robert Sarzo (guitar) and Tony Cavazo (bass) were actually introduced to each other by QR’s stripy, shouting frontman Kevin DuBrow (RIP) in Los Angeles and the duo decided to form their own band. After recruiting drummer Jay Schellen and supersonic singer Kelly Hansen they hit the local circuit, however there seemed to be no big label interest in the band even with famous family connections and a vast amount of raw talent, so they put out their own mini-album themselves.

The mini-album in question is “Take What You Want” which was produced by Keel and Leatherwolf dial twiddler Kevin Beamish. This record is 100% flawless and it’s fairly safe to state that, every single track could’ve “stormed” the rock charts and “blown” up the radio back in the mid-80s. The funny yet sad thing is that Hurricane were a million times the band that Quiet Riot were. Off went QR around the globe filling arenas and selling millions of albums, even going so far as knocking Michael Jackson off the top of the charts! Yet, Poor little Hurricane couldn’t get a sniff of the big time back in ’85 and it really baffles me. There’s really no justice and genuine love for great music within the recording industry at all. Everything comes down to shifting units and the almighty dollar; it still does to this day as I’m sure you know. But, Hurricane had the looks and the hooks and having heard all their stuff for myself, I can honestly say that they can blast pretty much 90% of the acts I’ve ever heard off the face of the planet! This is mostly down to the voice that Kelly Hansen possesses. His vocal range is fabulous, really rich and powerful pushing Hurricane beyond that of a simple 80s hard rock act to sounding like international megastars. His vocal capabilities give them a huge soul and class not many bands can or will ever match. The tracks; “Take Me In Your Arms”, “Hurricane”, “Hot & Heavy” along with the title cut have such stunning power and melody, that I was left speechless with my brain frazzled into an orgasmal goo. I don’t think I’ve really played a record so much as well. I realised how many times I had hit repeat at the end of each song that I was amazed. I mean, I do play stuff over and over, but it’s usually within the space of days or weeks, not continuously! That to me is a serious mark of excellence, especially for this type of genre. I have literally tons of LPs and CDs by many bands I would consider more favourably than Hurricane, but holy shit does this beat all!

“Girls Are Out Tonight” is probably the cut I swoon over most. The opening guitar riff kick major butt and the song overall is a monster rocker, that completely optimizes everything I love about 80s rock and metal. If I was asked to play a track that defined exactly what I love about rock and how it should be performed – I would slap on “Girls Are Out Tonight” in a heartbeat. “It’s Only Heaven” is the only ballad on “Take What You Want”, but it is another masterpiece. The intro and verses are so haunting due to the guitar effect used and the chorus is yet more showcasing of the bands melodic superiority. Now, I know I rant and rave about a lot of stuff, I get all nostalgic and cream over many albums, recommending this and that – But, buy this. Buy it and then try and tell me it isn’t crammed full of unwavering quality and “gale force” metal. Best to follow it up with the bands third release “Slave To The Thrill” too, featuring Doug Aldrich on guitar.

Just to finish, I want to inform you that I’m having this album cover airbrushed onto my new leather biker jacket by a very talented French artist named Danielle Vergne (she’s done jackets for Alice Cooper), so that tells you even more how much I love “Take What You Want”! Like a Hurricane comin’ baby…..

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Alligator II: The Mutation (1990)

2009-12-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

The poster above for this film makes it seem awesome doesn’t it? They say never judge a book by its cover, well never EVER, judge a film by its cover no matter how insanely cool it may be. Alligator II: The Mutation is awful. The first Alligator film from 1980 was great little flick, very entertaining with good special effects. Ten years later, some lunatic decides it’s a good idea to make a sequel, copying the premise of original film yet sucking everything that was good in the first one out. From the minute the opening credits rolled I could tell that this film sucked ass. You know, they use that really basic white text and cheap, cheesy music whilst the camera is already travelling over some misty water - setting the scene. It all looks made-for-TV (Sci-Fi channel anyone?) right from the off.

Once again, some local people are getting eaten, this time in a lake and officer David Hodges (Joseph Bologna) is on the case to find out what the hell’s going on. So, after consulting his long suffering wife (Dee Wallace Stone), who happens to work in a lab, he finds out that it’s a large alligator that’s been chewing everybody to bits. Oh and it's his birthday too (Hodges', not the alligator)...
David Hodges is yet another detective suffering from male pattern baldness. But where Madison from the first film took it like a man, Hodges combs his wispy locks back to deceive the audience. Plus, he has the face of a dog awaiting its next beating and he also walks like he’s got two broken legs…

We then meet Vinnie Brown, a conniving, yuppie prick developer who’s planning to build some houses or something (I wasn’t paying attention) and force some Mexicans out their homes. He’s got the mayor in his pocket and fancies his chances with the dude’s daughter too. Here’s where all our characters get introduced and the movie binds this all together thinking it has a decent plot. It all speeds along from scene to scene too fast, but with a lot of painful chit-chat. Then there’s some wrestling going on at some club (bad wrestling at that). Hodges goes there to talk to the mayor about stopping the re-development plans and gala that Vinnie Brown has set up, due to the gator. Brown doesn’t like this and gets the mayor to arrest Hodges (I have no idea how or why)? A rookie cop cuffs him, but Hodges tricks the other cop by taking him into a toilet cubicle and showing him his penis or something….Hodges goes off on his merry way to do more gator hunting and the rookie is left to be saved my the mayor's daughter – She turns up at the club as she seems to disprove of her father being in places where there’s wrestling going on!? The mayor’s daughter then flirts with the rookie cop, a saxophone plays some jazzy music, suddenly they’re talking in a bar and then they’re in love – this is all conveyed in the space of one minute – romantic sub-plot is now established.

The main thing that is instantly noticeable about this film is that the dialogue is really, really fucking horrible! It's all pointless bullshit and bad jokes. Plus, why on earth do they keep saying there’s an alligator in the sewer? I haven’t seen anything even resembling a sewer for the last 45mins - It’s a fucking lake! Then, at 45mins in we’re finally presented with the legendary Richard Lynch! Hooray! But, why have I had to wait so long through all this agony for the only decent actor in this pile of crap! ...And then he opens his mouth! The movie has decided to torture me even more, as Lynch’s character, Hawkins, is some goofy hick game hunter with a bad southern accent! He’s been hired by Vinnie Brown to kill the gator, but he ends up teaming with Hodges and rookie cop, of course this is after Hodges sneaks into rookie cop’s apartment – apparently anticipating that he would return home to have sex with the mayor’s daughter!?
So, Hodges and rookie cop go into the sewer at night to find the “large” gator. They get scared first by……complete darkness?? Then the gator appears – and it’s fucking tiny….what!? It smashes through a wall, squawks like a parrot and Hodges throws a grenade at it, bringing down the ceiling but it doesn’t phase the puny gator. Hodges and rookie cop climb out of the sewer in daylight - again…..what?! – How long were they down there for!?
Then it’s time for Richard Lynch and his slack jawed brothers to investigate the “sewer”, which look more like a swampland full of reeds at night. The gator attacks with Hawkins suddenly turning chicken and pleading with the reptile not to tail-whip his fellow hunters, finally relying on Hodges to save him. The alligator during these scenes looks like a big slimy carpet. It also changes size between shots. They used a real alligator but didn’t bother to film it within smaller sets!

Meanwhile, the gala for the new development is taking place, but no one has turned up. This angers Brown and he goes to talk to the mayor about Hodges. Brown then shoots the mayor in the gut on a Ferris wheel? and he dies within one second, you know, as people do. All of a sudden there are lots of people around and then the gator shows up to spoil the party further. I must ask: why do large crowds of people have so much trouble running from an alligator that moves at about 2mph? I’m baffled by it quite frankly….Anyway, Vinnie Brown gets chased to the waterfront by a gang called the crazy boys (that’s probably a PC term for Mexican youths) with Hodges and Hawkins (Hodges now referring to him simply as “Hawk”) in toe. There’s a skirmish and Vinnie falls in the water becoming another of the gator’s victims – and at last some fucking blood!

Again the film rips-off Jaws and its predecessor for its finale by blowing up the offending animal (with a shotgun!?), but instead of Brody’s “Smile you son of a bitch” we have Hodges “Come to daddy”. He fires a rocket at the gator and bam! That’s it, all over cue hugs from the wife, a wimpy keyboard score, more horrid dialogue and the credits. Thank Fuck.

Best Quote: “Otis was my friend. He didn’t deserve to be a toothpick.”

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Bernie Tormé - Electric Gypsies (1983)

2009-12-20T06:29:00.000-08:00

1. Wild West

2. 20th Century

3. Lightning Strikes

4. Too Young

5. Call Of The Wild

6. D.I.S.E.

7. Presences

8. I Can't Control Myself

9. Go Go

If Mick Jagger and Jimi Hendrix had ever bumped uglies, and were able to conceive a child who was then adopted by the Sex Pistols - Bernie Tormé would have been the result. Bernie Tormé has spent most of his career as a vagabond - pistol for hire, even citing “boredom” as the main reason he moved around so much. The fender bending flying Irishman was born 1952 in the city of Dublin, initially starting out with local band Urge, before a short stint in London’s Scrapyard. Eventually he wound up in Ian Gillan’s post Deep Purple solo outfit, debuting on 1979’s “Mr. Universe” and becoming an instant guitar god in the eyes of the British rock community. After scoring a #2 charting album (UK) with “Future Shock”, Bernie got fed up and walked out on Gillan, playing brief session work with Atomic Rooster until he wound up replacing the recently deceased Randy Rhoads in Ozzy Osbourne’s band. For Bernie it would be shoes that were too big to fill at that time….

“I didn't know too much about Ozzy, I hadn't really kept up with what he was up to. And I didn't see my playing as being stylistically much like Tony Iommi, who was the only guitarist I knew of in the context of Ozzy. But, anyway, I was talked into giving it a try late afternoon on the 23rd March: I had about two days to sort myself out before going to audition for Ozzy in LA. So, first thing I did was go out and buy copies of Blizzard Of Ozz and Diary Of A Madman: I was totally blown away: by Randy's playing, by the great songs, and by Ozzy's performance: two totally brilliant albums. From this you can also see that I did not have much time to learn what was, quite a body of material.” – Bernie Tormé

Feeling that he couldn’t spend the rest of his career as an imitator of the now legendary Rhoads, Tormé left the Ozzy tour after 3 weeks to be replaced by Brad Gillis. He decided to focus on his own group (taking up guitar/vocal duties), releasing their first record “Turn Out The Lights” (with Everton Williams on bass - Frank Noon on drums) - later in 1982, leading swiftly to the follow up LP “Electric Gypsies” – with the collective musicians carrying the same moniker.
“Electric Gypsies” came out in 1983 on the Zebra label and is in my opinion, the only essential recording by Bernie Tormé. None of his solo outings before or after this album have matched up to the same level of searing rock ‘n’ roll fury. “Electric Gypsies” is just pure and simple undiluted energy. The songs are all venomous hard rock numbers, sprinkled with touches of punk rock, a style that Bernie was playing was also rooted in.

Opening salvo “Wild West” will leave you saddle sore for sure. It’s a jaw-dropping, raucous track delivered at full pelt, the guitar screaming out of the speakers. It conjures up scenes of cowboys and Indians, saloon brawls and double-barrelled smoking gun-fire. Bernie’s guitar gallops and bucks like someone shoved a V8 engine up a horses ass and through the raw production; you can almost feel the Irishman channelling the spirit of Hendrix, yet doing so with all the control and class of Jeff Beck – one of his many other influences. The thing I really respect Tormé for is that he sounds fresh, totally expressive and original all the time. He doesn’t sound like he’s trying to emulate his idols and this benefits each song greatly, being that the performances come across as vibrant, exciting and free.

“20th Century” is Bernie’s nod to the Stones or Yardbirds it seems and it’s a good track, giving the record a late 60’s, early 70’s retro vibe and slowing the pace down after having literally unleashed the Kraken on track one! The other hugely impressive songs on this album are “Lightning Strikes”, “Call Of The Wild” (which sounds like a Hanoi Rocks tune) and the spookily spiritual “Presences”. The first two of those songs I mentioned contain cracking riffs, a haunting feel and superb steel strangled fret-work from Mr. Tormé. “Can’t Control Myself” could’ve been a massive punk anthem had it been created five or six years earlier. “Too Young” doesn’t seem too memorable no matter how many times I play it and “D.I.S.E.” is a bit short considereing the amount of tracks and running time. I was happy to discover that this album had been re-issued on CD finally back in 2006 – Tracks; “Shoorah Shoorah”, “Star”, “Search & Destroy”, “Possession”, “New World” being added from the “Shoorah Shoorah” EP.
If your bag is hard rock, punk or even heavy metal – whatever umbrella you put your steel and iron stylings under, this is one lost classic you may want to strongly consider.

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Alligator (1980)

2009-12-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

When I was about 10 years old I rented Alligator from the local VHS store and I think I only watched it once, not being overly enthused with it. I never remembered much about it to be fair, but when I sat down with the film 12 years later I enjoyed it quite a lot. Released in 1980 and directed by Lewis Teague, Alligator went on to receive a positive critical reception and today basks in its “cult classic” status.

The plot is that a young girl (Marisa) is bought a baby alligator when visiting some Floridian tourist trap with her parents - They witness bad moustaches, Hawaiian shirts and a clumsy dude get his leg savaged by a short tempered gator. When she gets home with her new pet, she names him Ramon - and after Razor Ramon and Ramon Diaz, he’s the most famous Ramon I can really think of. Still, not the butchest name for a soon to be man eater is it? Anyway, Marisa’s father comes home one day, angry over who knows what and decides that flushing the baby gator down the crapper will make his random rage subside, not giving a shit about his daughter’s feelings – Now that’s parenting! Once he’s travelled down all the poo pipes Ramon arrives in his new home – the sewer, where he happens to feast upon the remains of lab animals, which cause him to grow rapidly in size. 12 years later, a series of mysterious killings have been taking place below the city of Chicago and Officer David Madison (played by Robert Forster) is on the case investigating whether or not they can be attributed to a suspected psycho. Madison dresses like it’s the 90s and he’s stumbled back in time to the 80s whilst only suffering from the side-effect of a receding hairline! He also manages to magically change from a snazzy pair of blue Adidas sneakers to galoshes each time he ventures into the sewer system! Wait, did the world miss the second coming or something? Apparently Lewis Teague didn’t when he cast Robert “the messiah” Forster in the lead role….

So quite a few chompings take place and Madison decides to check out the sewer, reluctantly taking along a rookie cop, Officer Kelly (played by Perry Lang) who is the only guy with the nose to volunteer.
I instantly recognized Perry Lang playing Kelly from his later role as Skip in the “Trust Fund Pirates” episode of Miami Vice. He’s a fucking annoying prick as both characters let me tell you. Sadly for the young cop, he gets munched by Ramon while Madison is helpless to act, unable to hang onto the kid whilst trying to force open a manhole cover to escape. Madison then wakes up in the hospital, with his chief and a cocksucking reporter named Kemp (played by Bart Braverman) wanting answers. The police chief seems to have a yellow moustache!? And what’s wrong with his voice? All he ever does is bark “no comment” to the press like a fucking dog. He doesn’t believe Madison’s claims that there’s a large alligator living in the sewer. Kemp seems interested in these claims and goes into the sewer system to have a look around eventually walking straight into a lurking Ramon and his death.

How does a supposedly 36ft, 2000lbs alligator hide in a foot of sewer water?? Kemp’s just walking along, not wading, when Ramon attacks him after surfacing from the same damn stretch of sewer!? It’s the same when Madison and Kelly go down to shitsville to check for a psycho, they walk along the same, previously viewed waterways that the gator magically submerged himself under! I mean, they did a great job with the large mechanical reptile they built (though it did malfunction), and made good use of an actual gator amidst sets that continuously skewered the perception of scale, but massive errors in realism were made. I know it’s a movie and anything goes usually, but I still like my far fetched films to retain some sort of realism within the confines of their fictional worlds – if that makes any sense!? Why does Ramon like attacking people mostly when they’re bent over a shopping cart full of dead dogs too? Does he have some sort of weird fetish, and if so, will I probably be able to find Internet porn of it in existence!? Hmmm…..

Luckily, Kemp’s camera catches everything on a repeated flash, which is then enough to make everyone believe Madison’s wild story they call for the S.W.A.T. team, who think banging pots and pans will scare Ramon and flush the gator out.
It doesn’t…..Fucking idiots. They also call on the “help” of a big-game hunter, hilariously sent up by the great Henry Silva. There’s a strange scene where he buys some ghetto gang beers from the store, and them offers then $10 a day to work with him! Right there, that tells me he isn’t any big-game hunter, more of a big game bull-shitter!

Meanwhile, Madison has become romantically linked with a doctor and author who happens to specialize in gators, by the name of Marisa (yes, the same girl who lost her pet alligator 12 years previously!), played by Robin Riker. I must say, Robin Riker is fucking gorgeous! She has possibly the most gorgeous pair of eyeballs I may have ever seen. I want to keep them in a jar and maybe suck on them at special occasions…
But anyway, she gets together with Madison and they try to help track down Ramon as he takes to the city streets, murdering cops and kids. There’s one particularly great scene I enjoyed with sickening glee, and that is when a young boy is pushed into a swimming pool at a party – a swimming pool occupied by our 36ft reptile antagonist! He gets eaten, there’s blood and it’s brilliant!

By this point, I realised that the film had been really slow to start and I don’t think I remember making it all the way through to the credits when I was younger. I can understand why some viewers may not like this film, it is low budget, but it doesn’t come across half-assed.
If you do get bored half-way through then there’s always a fun game to keep your attention focused on the screen……”Let’s play spot the inside gator joke”! I.E. the “Ramon” poster on David Madison’s apartment wall, the gator shaped sticker on the locker in the police station etc, etc….And if you get bored of that, then there’s spot the amputee. Yes, those heroic men and women that shamelessly exploited their unfortunate stumps in order to convey the brutality of Ramon’s attacks. Toward the end there’s explosions, bullets flying around, people flying around – total chaos. But, Madison and Marisa have a plan. The plan involves methane gas (farts to the uneducated) and the finale does actually build some decent tension even though you can see the outcome of the movie a mile off.

Clearly this film rips-off Jaws (even going as far as using suspiciously similar music at one point!) and many other killer animal flicks from around that time, but it even goes so far as to prophesize a future entry into the Jaws film franchise, that film being Jaws: The Revenge. Here, big scaly Ramon seems to track down the pharmaceutical companies head-honcho (at his daughter’s wedding!), somehow knowing that they were responsible for dumping the chemical loaded pet corpses into the sewer, thus mutating him beyond normal gator proportions. It’s also similar to Jaws: The Revenge in the way in which Ramon meets his “Bruce-like” fate.

Alligator is a decent flick all round, great if you love creature features and killer animal movies. The acting is almost too good at times considering the low budget and subject matter, the effects are good and there are decent amounts of blood to keep most gore hounds happy. It’s nothing spectacular, but it’s easy to see why it has many fans after all these years – definitely worth “snapping” up.

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Keel - The Right To Rock (1985)

2009-12-16T12:24:00.000-08:00

1. The Right To Rock
2. Back To The City
3. Let's Spend The Night Together
4. Easier Said Than Done
5. So Many Girls, So Little Time
6. Electric Love
7. Speed Demon
8. Get Down
9. You're The Victim (I'm The Crime)

Keel was formed in 1984 upon the demise of the Ron Keel fronted Nashville band Steeler. After scoring with a commercially successful independent album release in ’83, Ron Keel wanted a fresh challenge. The members of Steeler went their separate ways and formed their own new projects and big Ron put together a brand new heavy metal act under the banner of his surname. Eventually solidifying the classic line-up that featured Ron Keel on vocals, guitarists Marc Ferrari and Bryan Jay, bassist Kenny Chaisson and drummer Dwain Miller (replacing the departing Bobby Marks), Keel put out their debut “Lay Down The Law”. Shrapnel records guitar wank impresario Mike Varney had given big Ron free reign to twiddle the knobs in the studio and stamp his vision all over the bands sound.

“From Day One I ruled the band with an iron fist. I had enough success from Steeler to afford me the ability to call the shots, and the guys in the band worked their asses off to help realize the dream. We rehearsed from noon to midnight, pouring our sweat muscle and blood into being the best, and it paid off. Our debut show was April 27th, 1984 at Perkin's Palace in Pasadena, CA in front of 1500 rabid metal heads and we just kept steamrolling ahead from there.” – Ron Keel

The band entered the studio to begin work on their sophomore effort with KISS legend Gene $immons as producer. It was to be entitled “The Right To Rock”, named after the song of the same name that had been cut during the debut album’s recording sessions. The song kicks everything off with a simple flesh ripping guitar riff from Marc Ferrari (a guy who looks like Nancy from A Nightmare On Elm Street, due to his hair), pounding drums and Ron Keel’s unmistakable leather lunged vocal delivery – it’s an instant heavy metal anthem! The thing that will make you either love or hate Keel though, is Ron’s voice. He sounds like a lion in a blender! But, the dude has serious, air-raid siren pipes and in my opinion, has the perfect style for singing heavy fucking metal! The song is your typical, fight the power, live to rock n’ roll, kick ass rock song that was backed in ’85 with a made for MTV video – A kid being chased by generic G-men for listening to hard rock in a state where music is against the law, makes his way to a Keel show. The band then proceeds to blow the G-dudes heads off with the sheer power of their playing! Only in the 80s baby….

“Back To The City” storms in without letting you catch a breath and I have to say, it’s my favourite cut on the album, maybe even my favourite Keel song period. The riff is totally immense and so satisfyingly crushing, that it will demand full volume until the walls are screaming back at you for mercy! Seriously, it’s a cracking metal song, with stellar face melting lead guitar work, it’s just perfect. The lyrics are great, Ron’s voice sounds huge and the chorus has me in a fist pumping frenzy spin after spin. “Back To The City” is also notable for being featured in the Sci-Fi family film “D.A.R.Y.L.” Keel then dish out a fine version of the Rolling Stones “Let’s Spend The Night Together”, which is obviously much more metallic than the original song. Other stand-outs are “Electric Love”, which is simply stunning. There’s more great vocal displays and a fantastic melodic chorus to boot – And “Speed Demon”, which was re-recorded from the debut offering. While I do prefer the original cut of this song, the version on “The Right To Rock” still kicks major ass! “Speed Demon” should be remembered and held in the same regard as songs like; “Born To Be Wild”, “Bad Motor Scooter” and “Radar Love”. Meanwhile, stuff like “Get Down”, “You're The Victim (I'm The Crime)”, "So Many Girls, So Little Time" (great title) and “Easier Said Than Done” make up the rest of the record and you can easily hear the influence of sleazy Gene $immons, especially as he wrote at least three of the tunes that are present here. I wouldn’t say these songs are filler. In no way are they filler, but they are mostly memorable for their loud as fuck choruses. Keel are a great band and this is proof why. They kill every time with strong songs that are pure 80s heavy metal, they do it all the way it should be done and you can’t ask anymore than that.

"The Right To Rock" was released on January 25th, 1985 and promptly became the fastest selling debut album in the history of A&M Records, cracking the Billboard Hot 100 charts (#99) and earned Keel best new band honours in Circus Magazine, Hit Parader, and Metal Edge. These days the band is mostly considered a cheesy dinosaur from a land that time forgot (although they still look as if they could flatten your butt like a mean machine steamroller). “The Right To Rock” album is unfortunately an abandoned slice of 80s heavy metal, left to go mouldy by rockers that changed their taste, grew old and bowed down to “the man”. To those in the know, that stayed loyal and to a newer generation embracing classic rock, make sure you check this one out as Keel can still strike a mighty power chord that resonates deep within the very soul…

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Bazooka Jo - Night After Night (1989)

2009-12-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

A-Side: Night After Night
B-Side: Talk Of The Town

Stoke-On-Trent is not the most glamorous sounding place in the world but it was the town that spawned one of the most short lived glam metal acts ever. A band that’s single has become the find of a lifetime for yours truly and that band is….Bazooka Jo!
These wham-bam, flash in the pan, glam cats only put out the one single “Night After Night/Talk Of The Town” through the independent Scarecrow label and their own Jet Girl Music in 1989 and were never heard of again. The most bizarre thing is, that I only have the single to go off and nothing else for information. I crawled around the internet but still I don’t even know each dudes name!? Zip, nada, nothing I’m afraid.

My father had stumbled across it at a record store he’s frequented over the years, saw the four hairspray hooligans on the black & white printed cover - with their singer who looks like a young Sam Fox - and thought of me (He really thought they were all chicks though, hot ones too). He took me down there a week later and I picked the sucker up for about £5 max (thanx pops!), got home and searched high and low to see if there were any other copies out there, but alas. I had found a gem, possibly the holy grail of my entire record collection. I’m guessing too, that the band only had a few thousands, maybe even a few hundred copies of this single knocked up. They were unsigned and obviously everything they did in striving for rock stardom was ultimately decimating the lining of their tight leather pockets.

But what do they sound like, I hear you cry! They sound like pretty much every new bunch of rag-tag Maybelline motherfuckers that were trying to hit the big-time back in ’89. They are very much in the style of Pretty Boy Floyd, albeit heavier. Bazooka Jo also sound a bit like fellow British metallers Wraith and there is a strong Sweet influence present on both tracks. A-Side “Night After Night” is a corking tune! It has a cool riff, decent vocals (nothing outstanding), fantastic and memorable choruses with great production and arrangements. If I was to be critical in any way it would be that the backing vocals aren’t very strong and I was left wanting for a face-melting guitar solo. B-Side “Talk Of The Town” is also a good little number, but nowhere near the level of “Night After Night”. It’s a shame that these guys didn’t get picked up, as they sound extremely competent and better than a lot of artists I could mention that did get signed 20 years ago. If anyone knows any more about Bazooka Jo and if the band members are out there somewhere, get in touch. I would be eternally grateful….

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

W.A.S.P. - Inside The Electric Circus (1986)

2009-12-09T12:12:00.000-08:00

1. The Big Welcome
2. Inside The Electric Circus
3. I Don't Need No Doctor
4. 9.5.-N.A.S.T.Y.
5. Restless Gypsy
6. Shoot From The Hip
7. I'm Alive
8. Easy Living
9. Sweet Cheetah
10. Mantronic
11. King Of Sodom & Gomorrah
12. The Rock Rolls On
13. Flesh & Fire*
14. D.B. Blues*

This is where it all started folks, with W.A.S.P’s third release, “Inside The Electric Circus”, released November 8th 1986 and which hit the Billboard chart at #60 . This album literally changed my life, changed the way I viewed music as an entertainment outlet and my appreciation for every aspect of audio recording. It all began when I was 16 years old, a college drop-out and a greenhorn metalhead only just beginning to amass my humongous album collection. At the time, I had been listening to a radio station called Total Rock via my mother’s satellite connection and happened to catch a classic rock programme during the lunch hour. They played a song called “Sleeping In The Fire” by a band named W.A.S.P. and I thought it was magnificent. It sounded like heavy rock mana from the gods, better than any “Stairway To Heaven” or “Freedbird”, something you could really hoist a cigarette lighter upto in a concert hall and not feel foolish for burning your thumb off!

So, like I said, I was a college drop-out. One day, as my adventure into further education was coming to an end, I had skipped class (again!) to wander into town and to the local HMV record store. Upon browsing through their lacklustre metal section, my gaze found its way to a 2-Disc, double album set by W.A.S.P. Now, I had totally forgotten about the song from the radio in all honesty, but sure as hell did I remember that band name! I think the CD was about £8 and I snapped it up out of sheer curiosity. I had heard none of the songs from these two albums – “Inside The Electric Circus” and “The Headless Children” – I thought they were two of the most wicked album names I’d ever heard of - Plus, there were no band pictures at all, so I only had the music to make a judgement on my newest purchase.

The bus ride back home didn’t take too long and I had time to kill before I went back, pretending that I’d been in classes all day. I went into the woods nearby my mother’s house and popped the first disc into my CD player – “Inside The Electric Circus”. Blackie Lawless had previously named W.A.S.P. “Circus Circus”, but due to a threatened lawsuit from the famous Vegas casino of the same name, a change came about. Almost six years later, Blackie would bring the Circus concept back, though seeing this record as a portrayal of life in a hard living, endlessly touring rock band. He imagined the stage as his three-ring showcase, full of wild attractions, the crowd rolling up every night to bear witness to the heavy metal frenzy under the hot lights. The intro, titled “The Big Welcome”, slowly became audible over the chirping of birds and the whirring of my walkman. It was already like nothing I’d heard before, with a strange voice in the style of a Ringmaster addressing an imaginary crowd of people, greeting them as they entered a circus big top. Everything I have just described entered my head in vivid images. The voice and the music petered out, being replaced almost instantaneously by the loudest, crunchiest guitar riff I’d ever heard! The title track smashed its way into my head from both earphones, like AC/DC amplified a million times the decibels. It was magic and the sound was everything I had been searching for when it came to listening to music and knowing what I liked best. This was especially apparent when Blackie’ Lawless’ vocal chords came rasping over the top. He sounded at first, as if somebody had taken Slade’s Noddy Holder and told him to swallow a pack of razor blades, yet Blackie is so melodic at the same time. The chorus to this song is stunning too “Welcome, I bid you welcome/To life inside the electric circus/Hang on, hang onto your life/The animals are all insane/God help us!” It washed over me with so much power, retained all the melody and it filled me with incredible warmth, a huge tingling buzz through my skin. The only way I could describe it is in the way heroin addicts describe their first real high, like a comforting wave of energy.

“I Don’t Need No Doctor” was released as a single, with an accompanying promo video and was a cover version of Ashford, Armstead & Simpson’s original. But, have no doubt, W.A.S.P.’s take fucking rocks! The main riff slides in and once again turns up the voltage, Blackie’s voice sounds wickedly delightful in the delivery of each verse and the backing is really tight and high energy throughout. The chorus has a fun “Whoo-Hoo” line that is superbly sung by Blackie, Chris Homes (guitar), Johnny Rod (bass) and Steve Riley (drums). Chris Holmes guitar playing is top notch here, with a tone I hadn’t heard before where the production work really shines. All the lines and fills are layered so well over the rest of the music, that every note is crystal clear and packed full with dynamite! “9-5 N.A.S.T.Y” (single) is written and performed in the classic W.A.S.P. vein being full of sleazy innuendo, tales of loose women and burning lust. You can never go wrong with those themes on a metal record! The overall sound of the album will seem the same at this point to the casual listener but after repeated listens, so much more texture reveals itself from behind the huge wall of treble noise. This becomes especially obvious once “Restless Gypsy” is in full swing. “Restless Gypsy” is probably the best song W.A.S.P. have ever recorded, it’s just that perfect. It’s so emotional – a tale of longing and constant roaming – yet still so powerful. I have never ever tired of this song, its heart-wrenching lyrics and atmospheric feel cannot be matched in my opinion. I suppose it was made even more wondrous by the fact I was alone and at peace in the woodland. I was away from the rush and push of everyday life, surrounded by nature and fully focused on what my ears and mind were devouring. Truly, it was a life changing moment. The moment I really felt sure that this was a special band I could treasure and an album that was going to be unforgettable…

“Shoot From The Hip” is another heavy, hotshot rocker about ejaculation, well, to be more upfront and frank….a cumshot: “Hot and sticky, here it comes/I got the bullets, load it up/Slide it into place/My emotions coming down all across your face”. This was the type of song that was getting W.A.S.P. into hot water with the PMRC (Parents Music Resource Centre), as well as their early stage shows featuring blood, raw meat and women being tortured on spiked racks. But in comparison to their earlier output this album comes across quite tame, the subject matter only seems to hint at sexual acts or any form of violence, but is never as blunt and in your face as “Fuck Like A Beast” was two years prior. Blackie Lawless had also discarded his infamous buzz-saw cod-piece in favour of an exploding one (fuck yeah!). The negative media focus on the band only enhanced their notoriety and drove up album sales and this was during a period where they had practically shifted to glam metal whilst still packing out arenas worldwide. Blackie Lawless was even being sent death threats. The sound of gunshots and the odd bomb scare even took place, but you know what they say: “Any publicity is good publicity!”

The other stand out tracks I must quickly mention (‘cause let’s face it, I could go on forever!) are “I’m Alive”, “Sweet Cheetah” and a cover of Uriah Heep’s “Easy Living”. The Uriah Heep cover is totally as good as the original, heavier but faithful and in-keeping with the tone of the record, “Sweet Cheetah” is almost like a re-visit of “9-5 N.A.S.T.Y” – more tales of sexy temptresses, animal lust and guitar riffs that sound like duelling hot rods gliding down a neon highway into the dead of night. “I’m Alive” though, is another very special track for me. Basically a war cry toward the right-wing religious zealots of the time with some insanely intelligent lyrics: “The target is me, a monster you flee/I hate what you say and you do/A mirror is there and look if you dare/The fool that you see's only you.” The song then continues into a majestic pre-chorus: “Oh, no, you won't, nail me to you tree/Or hang my head up high/No kingdom reigns over me, despise all the liars I see/Don't give me your "Save my soul" cure.” Being a staunch atheist, this track speaks volumes to me, it draws on all my thoughts and feelings in regards to religion, censorship, freedom and basically bullying, which I’m sure many people can relate to. It’s a brilliant track that I can’t speak more highly of. As for the rest of the album, there doesn’t seem to be any “filler” in my eyes.
All the other tracks seem well put together and pack a hard punch. It does not seem to me, a rushed effort by a tired band possibly becoming conscious of their place within the music industry of the 1980s. It’s solid throughout and a great example of W.A.S.P.’s talent and growth up to that point. Some people (even Blackie Lawless himself) have stated that this is the weakest W.A.S.P. album and that it was a step backward. I will always disagree. It is under-appreciated for sure, but it is no step back seeing as the band was extremely popular at the time and some of the themes of this record set the blueprint for what was to come with “The Headless Children” – an album widely regarded as the band’s best work. “Inside The Electric Circus” has had a massive impact on me (I never did go back to college after that day!) and it will forever score full marks….

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

City Of Lost Souls

2009-12-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

To support Manchester City is to believe that if there is a God (though I strongly believe there isn't), he might have trouble running things on this planet, but he's in control of the next world. He has to be. The Devil rules this world and always will, because his team are Manchester United, and they are world famous and monolithic.

Manchester City, who's name travels the world about as well as Gracie Fields or Pulp, are on the side of the angels; the poor, sapped, unfortunate angels who still believe in quaint antiquated notions of earthly good. To support Manchester City is to accept with heroic willingness the dead-flat that the universe is cold and hostile, and nothing good will become of it. To support City is to tackle head on the crushing pointlessness of existence and to attempt to make something of it. It is hard work. So why do it? Because somehow this seems ultimately more dignified and fulfilling than taking the easy way out and supporting the lulling and obnoxious United.

To support United is too easy. It's convenience supporting. It makes life too easy. There is no challenge. It is a cowardly form of escapism, a sell-out to the forces of evil. United fans have no soul and will spend their eternity neck deep in boiling vomit. City fans retain their soul and will spend their eternity forever reliving the moment their team beat Newcastle 4-3 away from home to win the League Championship in 1968, beating United into second place. Surely we will have such eternal bliss again, for why do we spend so much time suffering in this life watching our team climb to the summit only so that we can watch them dive, dive, dive to their pitiless bottom of the heap while United, of Manchester, but nothing really to do with it, float every more triumphantly skywards?

Heartless United are the incarnation of shamelessness and to support them is heroism in a can. Cavalier City, however awry their football, however dire their straits, glow with something mystical and transcendental. City have soul. United do not.
When they are great again, City will have shown that they are worth their extraordinary fans. To this day these fans will walk a million miles for one of Joe Mercer's smiles. They'll sing a million songs waiting for some new Mercer-like magic. Because they are City and they know they're fucking born!

W.A.S.P. Live (2009) - Concert Review

2009-12-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

Manchester Academy, Sunday 29th November 2009.

Set-list:
The Mephisto Waltz
On Your Knees
The Real Me
I Don't Need No Doctor
Scream Until You Like It
Hellion
L.O.V.E. Machine
Crazy
Babylon's Burning
Wild Child
Arena Of Pleasure
Chainsaw Charlie
The Idol
Take Me Up
I Wanna Be Somebody
Encore:
Heaven's Hung In Black
Blind In Texas

Well, what can a guy say when he goes to see his heroes bring together metalheads young and old to lay waste to his hometown? Quite a bit actually, as W.A.S.P. are my favourite band of all time and this particular concert would mark the third time in my life that I have been able to catch the band on this side of the pond. I had last gone to see W.A.S.P. at the Academy 2 years previous during the Crimson Idol world tour and was witness to a truly special night. This time round, the band was promoting the newly released “Babylon” record and even my father decided to come along and check it out (tickets were only £16)! Really though, it’s all about Blackie Lawless, the dude being the only original member and main driving force. Everybody goes for Blackie; everybody screams their asses off for Blackie and Blackie fucking delivers in spades.

I arrived with my ‘ol man at about 6:40pm, doors being opened finally at 7pm much to everyone’s relief, as it was colder than a witch’s tit outside! We went straight upstairs to the main room and luckily I was able to get right to the front of the stage once again. My father decided to hang out of the crowd to the sidewall, put in his makeshift cotton earplugs and prepared to survey the madness…
The support band came on to “warm up” the slowly gathering crowd and they sucked a big fat one. Ugh, I don’t even want to give them any mention, but as a warning to future concert goers, it was the Glitterati. They were horrid, too loud and distorted to overcompensate for their lack of talent. Their songs were tedious and repetitive and their punk postures came across as really fake and quite frankly, corny. Luckily we only had to endure 40mins of their shit until they fucked off and cleared their gear. The Glitterati were about to learn some huge lessons in performance, crowd control and most importantly….METAL!

Soon enough, the concert hall fell into darkness and up rose the strains of “The Mephisto Waltz”, which sent shivers right up my spine, oh the anticipation, the excitement! On came the lights and through the smoke came Blackie Lawless, backed by guitarist Doug Blair, long serving bassist Mike Duda and awesome new drummer Mike Dupke. They launched straight into “On Your Knees” and everyone lurched forward almost immediately, fists pumping the air everywhere – it was a pure heavy metal moment and it never let up until the final note. Blackie as always was pitch perfect, just sounding as he does on all the band’s records, his guitar playing (though sweating profusely) was first rate as usual also. He was completely and utterly mesmerising and had he crowd in the palm of his hand all night, I just could not pull my eyes away from the guy – he is my god – The only times my loving gaze was broken was when Doug Blair would fly into a super solo and drop my jaw. Speaking of Doug he was using an impressive array of guitars for this gig. There was one that featured a rotating buzz-saw scratch plate and one that lit up with a stain-glass window effect. They were gorgeous and my father didn’t stop raving about them during the journey home. Doug also seemed to remember me from last time, as I was in exactly the same place and I think he clearly noticed my total appreciation for his talents on the axe. He smiled a lot, really enjoying himself and proceeded to throw guitar pics at my head most of the night, until one finally happened to find its way into my mouth! I also got some of Blackie sweat on me again (yeah, I know that may sound kind of gross but I don’t care) and he threw a towel and water bottle into the crowd – Seriously, if the guy had pissed in a bottle and given it to me personally, I would have drank that genius juice right down!

So, after losing my voice, my hearing, getting a few whacks to the head and sweating my ass off, all was said and done. A great night again that never once failed to satisfy. I also ended up next to a really hot chick who at one point gave my butt a nice squeeze during the rip-roaring “Blind In Texas” encore! On the way out I unfortunately saw some people who I knew from the town where I work and thought it best to grab my pops and jet. One person being a dude I fought in a pub toilet, which got me barred.

If I could be critical in any way, I’d say that it would’ve been great to hear more cuts from “Inside The Electric Circus” and “The Headless Children” and that Blackie hadn’t decided to censor himself! Apparently he’s become a bit more religious and has cut out swearing from songs and refuses to play “Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)” anymore. I have no real problem with any of this, as swearing isn’t really necessary, especially with younger kids present and the rest of the material in streets ahead compared to “Animal” anyway. But it did seem to take an edge off the performance. The raw aggression and infamous attitude toned down…again, I must stress that this is no real gripe. I loved every second, every minute and I didn’t want it to end. W.A.S.P. are a superb, tight live act that everyone into metal should make sure that catch at some point. Who knows when Blackie will call it quits? Hopefully, not for a very long time yet…

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Hanover Fist - Hungry Eyes (1985)

2009-11-27T10:53:00.001-08:00

1. The Maze
2. Metal Of The Night
3. Hungry Eyes
4. Don't Let It Stop
5. Standing Six
6. Fear No Evil
7. Rock Bottom
8. High Speed Roller
9. Looking For Love
10. Should Be Rockin'

Do you ever remember sitting up late at night with the TV on, a music video station emanating from the screen, almost feeling engulfed within the Technicolor fantasy that was unfolding before you? I’ve had many of those nights, lots and lots of wasted nights staying awake until 6am because I had stumbled across a classic rock station or some mysterious lull between scheduled programming. You’re there in the darkness, so thick you could take a bite and hypnotised by the blue flashes up the walls; the volume goes up and then comes the power…..

One night I saw a video for the Canadian heavy metal act, Hanover Fist and their song “Metal Of The Night” – middle of the night – get it? Awesome. This was one of those moments that I was talking about. This song, this video (btw, best music video period!!), cut into my soul, it twisted my brain with its pounding beat and grainy almost ghostly imagery. The video is like a fucking movie, it’s that good. But it makes no sense, but then it doesn’t have to. Know why? Yeah, ‘cause it was the goddamn 1980s. It’s the band playing in some small club, no one’s there (typical) and then there’s all this shit going on with women dancing round furnaces, a man chained to a wall, silver pool balls, some Nazi looking kid and a phone that shoots fire! You wanna know what the coolest (although sad) thing is? The video was made before the band was signed to MCA records, in hope of securing a deal! I’m led to believe that it was shown on MTV at some point between 1983 and 1985, but none of the band members ever saw it – I don’t think MTV was invented in Canada yet….
Let’s be honest though, the Canadian music scene back in the 1980s, particularly for metal was gravely under appreciated by the headbanging masses. Some of the bands back then kicked major ass and deserve a ton more credit for the melodic molten slabs they laid down on vinyl. You had; Helix, Killer Dwarfs, Sword and Lee Aaron to name a few, plus Hanover Fist to add to that list. That’s a fuck load of heavy metal goodness right there!

Hanover Fist was formed by vocalist Frank Zirone upon the demise of his former band Z. Frank had actually gone to record new demos with Z, but at the constant request of producer Stacy Heydon, these sessions would become the first Hanover LP.
The band featured guitarist George Bernhardt, Kim Hunt on drums, Chris Brockway on bass and Jim Macdonald adding keyboards. They would have a blast in the studio, composing around 15 songs backed by talented local session players, whilst partying with the likes of Gene Simmons, Mick Ronson and Hanoi Rocks. The bands signing would also be just as exciting and interesting. Axe god Eddie Van Halen had been snapped as a musical director for the 1984 film “The Wild Life” (a sequel to Fast Times At Ridgemont High) and needed a song for a scene in the movie involving a parrot. Yes, that’s right a parrot. The parrot was supposed to be getting his rocks off to some real fist pounding shit, but EVH didn’t have the right track to fit in with all this nonsense. By chance, he was using a record execs car one day and popped a tape into the deck. The tape just happened to be Hanover Fist’s “Metal Of The Night” and Eddie immediately called up his production cohorts announcing that he’d found the perfect song. MCA creamed their pants and signed the band within 20 minutes…

The original debut LP artwork...

Now due to overseas distribution and obviously their signing, Hanover Fist’s debut LP ended up getting re-packaged with a slighty different listing and running order. It was re-released in 1985 as “Hungry Eyes”, the bands name then shortened to simply Hanover. An up and down tour with heavy metal pensioners Saxon would follow later in the year, with the band bringing on board replacements Mike Terrana (drums) and Warren Toll (bass). Things would sadly turn sour and after a long sabbatical, the members would go their separate ways (each one staying within the biz in some capacity). Frank Zirone almost ended up taking the reigns from Mark Storace fronting Krokus. But the album they leave behind is a special one. It’s not fantastic, it’s not groundbreaking (even though they were using some unusual techniques), but it is mighty neat. Standout tracks are for sure “The Maze”, which is a great opener, “Standing Six” featuring real recorded thunder (like any true metal gods!) and probably “Rock Bottom”, a song that has around 40 people busting their guts on backing vocals! Original cut “Fits Ya Good” was sadly omitted from the second pressing, which would have bulked up the album much more. I can say that yeah, the music is really good, but it does seem quite generic in places. Frank Zirone doesn’t have the greatest voice either. Don’t get me wrong, you can tell he put a lot of time in here and he’s distinctive, but he comes off as poor man’s Ron Keel. I will say that this album is worth checking out (especially for George Bernhardt’s riffs) and that’s if you can find it. It has become somewhat of a holy grail on sites such as Ebay, I myself paid through the ass with my teeth for it, having been outbid countless times before! So, if you’re after something obscure for your collection or you’re finally scraping the bottom of the metal barrel, then here is the best answer….

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Cut & Run (1985)

2009-11-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

In 1985, Ruggero Deodato decided against fan and studio wishes to direct a sequel to his most famous work “Cannibal Holocaust” and instead made “Inferno in Diretta” - English translation being Cut & Run. The film is somewhat of a semi-sequel, but more an action adventure than a straight up gorefest. The blood splattering killings and extremely violent moments are down to a minimum when compared with Cannibal Holocaust, but are still nonetheless shocking when these scenes do arrive onscreen. Finally, presented on the long awaited DVD, is the full uncut version of the movie with scenes added in - with some getting the original dubbed Italian treatment. You see, Deodato filmed it in direct-sound English (rare at that time) due to the majority of the cast being American actors, and a finely selected bunch at that one must say.

The plot revolves around a journalist (Lisa Blount) and her trusty cameraman (Leonard Mann) venturing into the jungle on assignment whilst also searching for the missing son of a wealthy TV producer (you couldn’t miss the guy though, in his retarded Mickey Mouse shirt!). The film opens with a drug lab amongst Amazonian marshland coming under attack from a tribe of savages led by Quecho (the always creepy looking Michael Berryman). It’s one of Berryman’s best roles even though he doesn’t have a single line, apart from the occasional whistle. He’s a sort of assassin that lurks beneath the water, leaping out on his unsuspecting victims. The movie does not fuck around at all in these opening scenes, especially with Berryman’s entrance, which is backed by a heart attack inducing sound effect! The savages then proceed to kill everyone, rape the women and let Quecho cut off their heads, it’s all truly grisly business. From here though, it’s quite hard to piece together what is going on and only later do things start to come together forming some semblance of a real plot. It seems that a colonel by the name of Brian Horne (played by Richard Lynch) is systematically destroying the drug trade in South America without explanation – also a crime scene photo pictures him with the TV producer’s son, Tommy (Willie Aames) that reporters Fran (Blount) and Mark (Mann) are tracking. Fran and Mark plan to find Tommy and to interview Horne, dubbed “El Phantasma”, who is a Vietnam vet presumed dead since 1978.

The pair head to the thick Amazon jungle by plane, arriving during an attack on the camp where Tommy happens to be held as a slave along with a girl named Ana (played by the beautiful Valentina Forte) by a drug runner named Vlado. Their pilot is killed by Quecho’s men and Quecho himself finds time to sneak in shadow and to gut and dismember those unfortunate to be nearby. Fran and Mark take cover and remain awake in fear throughout the night. Tommy meanwhile abandons Ana and flees into the darkness…
The following day the pair enters the camp to find the stench of death hanging menacingly in the air, crows pecking away at mutilated remains and decide to broadcast their findings back to the studio in the States. They also discover a distressed Ana who had been hiding in a locker and she tags along. Now, I don’t want to give anymore away because this film is more than a decent night’s viewing and it would totally spoil many of the surprises further along. There is one gruesome scene in particular; involving Vlado (John Steiner) that had me off guard, made me wince and it’s seriously fucking, harrowingly brutal! So, the trio do eventually find Tommy, who himself is very shaken up by events (dead girls, other mangled bodies, snakes, crocs…you know) but are then caught by Horne and Quecho.

The final scenes of the film are pretty much a vehicle for Richard Lynch to prove his salt as an actor in my eyes. He steals the whole damn show, again with very little screen time or dialogue. I find him to be criminally underrated as a performer and completely hypnotic in every role he has had. He goes on to reveal his reasons behind the attacks and the drug involvement, but is quite cryptic and here is where the film seems to take pages straight out of Apocalypse Now! Plus, the conclusion – even though the movie ends on a lighter note - you will not see coming at all, believe me!

I thought Cut & Run was great by the finish, really worth a watch whether you lust for horror or yearn for action and it was all beautifully shot (I’ve never seen such green foliage and such blue skies!), gorgeous locations and interesting camerawork. Claudio Simonetti's score is impossible not to mention, as it works extremely well throughout the film. It’s a really cool score, very 80s and constantly jumpy, pulsating and always interesting. My only major criticism of Cut & Run is with most of the early plotting and character introduction – Whilst the film seems to drag at times, it will quickly jump to a new scene with no real conclusion to the previous one. Richard Lynch and Michael Berryman also could have done with more camera time, but this still comes out solid and satisfying…

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Savatage - Fight For The Rock (1986)

2009-11-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

1. Fight For The Rock
2. Out On The Streets
3. Crying For Love
4. Day After Day
5. The Edge Of Midnight
6. Hyde
7. Lady In Disguise
8. She's Only Rock 'N Roll
9. Wishing Well
10. Red Light Paradise

Savatage are a weird, wonderful and mysterious unit, through all their formations and guises over the last 25-30 years. Their sound is completely unique, with the vicious singing talents of Jon Oliva (lead vocals), the strange, offbeat guitar work of his brother Criss Oliva (1978-1993), the pulsating reliability of Johnny Lee Middleton (bass) and whoever occupies the drum stool all create a haunting hard rock vibe. I’ve found every Savatage album that I’ve sat and listened to; impressive, raw and diverse in one way or another and 1986’s “Fight For The Rock” is no different in my opinion. Now it will come as no surprise to tell you that this is my favourite ‘Tage record out of their whole catalogue to date. But, to all Savatage fans and to the band themselves, it is considered to be their worst work. Jon Oliva even said in October 1994: "I've never really been fond of that album.” It is also referred to as “Fight For The Nightmare”. The problem I have, is that I don’t see any problem with this album. It’s very, very good. It appears to be unjustly criticized and slated by the world and his wife for being “commercial”. The fact is, it’s still too “out there”, possibly alienating a wider mainstream audience (although it did chart) yet retains many dark and heavy qualities that should’ve drawn Savatage fans in right off the bat.
I guess it’s the fact that Atlantic records (as the band have stated many times) wanted Savatage to push for a “poppier” approach seeing as Jon Oliva had been writing songs for a lot of other artists at the time, stuff for the likes of John Waite and also material for a solo record that was planned. The label made them use the batch of songs that were lying around, rather than going in and cutting something fresh and working as a band to create a new record. This is where all the negativity stems from and I can understand that, but I have always felt that it didn’t really hurt them as badly as the band and fans may make out. The album that followed FFTR was “Hall Of The Mountain King”, which is a classic metal record, widely regarded as Savatage’s best output ever. So, I always see this as a stepping stone (or bump in the road for those naysayers) and an alternative offering that can be looked back upon without scoffing aloud or having any feelings of regret or resentment.
“Fight For The Rock” has an almost Beatle-esque feel at points; songs such as “Out On The Streets” and “Day After Day” have a whimsical late 60s charm to them. I don’t care at all that they’re not heavy as hell rockers, because I can appreciate the quality and beauty of the actual music and arrangements. The band easily slips from dreamy lull to brewing storm in a matter of moments, laying down chugging, pure metal slabs such as; “Crying For Love”, the excellent “Hyde” (it screams evil), the menacing “Red Light Paradise” and the anthemic title cut. The case again is that, one could have gone and seen Savatage live on many occasions from ’86 onwards and not heard a single lick from this album. Not a major gripe, but for me, it would have been bitterly disappointing, as this is fine solid rock contained within nine original compositions and helped along by a phenomenal cover of Free’s “Wishing Well”, the best version I’ve heard done compared to the 1973 track. The biggest stand-out is “The Edge Of Midnight” – the song has a intro sounding like someone blasting the Castlevania theme out of a Casio watch, but it’s good and it does its job in enhancing the creepy atmosphere the track builds up. Then, come the hammering riffs - like reaching sexual climax whilst having your teeth smashed in - and all the guttural venom spit forth from Jon Oliva’s throat. It’s pure class, all 4 minutes and 52 seconds of it. How “The Edge Of Midnight” can be ignored from a set-list is beyond me completely??

Once again, I have to beg of you to give this one a try, fan or no fan. “Fight For The Rock” is more than worthy addition to any growing hard rock collection old or new. It still gives a decent representation of the Savatage sound and is a piece of the band’s history whether they like it or not. It’s another mark of where the artist was at during that particular period, label pressure or no label pressure, good or bad album behind you; it should always be considered an experience you can learn from. Mama didn’t raise no fool and he likes this one an awful lot….

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Star Star - The Love Drag Years (1992)

2009-11-12T12:48:00.000-08:00

1. Fly Boy
2. Science Fiction Boy
3. The Love Drag Years
4. Nervous
5. Cowboys In Space
6. Baby Shoulda’ Known
7. Groovy Guru Gangster Girl
8. Diggy Dragster
9. Treasure Or Trash
10. My Little Cuisinette

Star Star was a band that was dead on arrival, and I’m not even being harsh. Their career was dogged by line-up changes, bad timing, lack of label support, car crashes and suicide. But, we’re kinda’ getting ahead of ourselves…

Formed around 1986, by vocalist Carol Marrujo (yes, a girl FYI), guitarist Mickey Mess and drummer Chris Madl, soon to be joined by Johnnie Holliday (guitar/vocals) and bassist “Weeds” – Star Star would record their first album, entitled “Go Go Girls In Love”, an album that I have never even seen nor heard!?
I only have a handful of sources claiming that this was a record released in ‘86/’87, claiming that the original founding trio would all leave and would make way for guitar player Kane Dailey and drummer “Deon” to join the group. It all gets very sticky and complicated and then there’s a whole period where nobody knows what the fuck is goin’ on, but you get the idea. A lack of stability and no fertility is what were talkin’ here…

So, the band mooched around New York for 6 years until they were smartly snapped up by Roadrunner Records (you know, when they were a “good” label) and ventured into the studio for nine long months, eventually surfacing with “The Love Drag Years” – a record so full of fun, you may wonder if you’re on drugs for the whole 33mins and 15secs! To put it in the most genuine, complimentary manner I can, Star Star sound like Enuff Z’ Nuff on speed, the Ramones on maybe more coke than one would imagine and the New York Dolls on heroin . The band has an infectious quality and a superb kitschy vibe that can't be denied. It’s all stick your tongue out, middle finger up, nonchalant ballsy rock n’ roll and I fucking love it. You can dance your butt right off to this record too, without feeling like a kooky, disco douche bag. If Star Star had just hit four years earlier, we’d be talking about fucking legends right now ladies and gentlemen. The band unfortunately suffered the loss of guitar player Jay Henning, who committed suicide in 1995, whilst front man Johnnie Holliday was sidelined after a car crash, requiring surgery over a number of years. They were touring to my knowledge, until 2002, but all is quiet now and that is huge shame. Star Star are – and bear with me – better than the bands I mentioned above, better than the Stones, better than Hanoi, Guns, Lords Of The New Church, obviously better than Faster Pussycat and though it pains me - The Sweet. What! Yes! You just won’t believe me at all because you have not listened to “The Love Drag Years”, you are deaf in a world of noise dear reader. Plus, it’s so much better slipping the disc in when uninitiated, as the level of surprise cannot be matched by anything in this mortal coil. If you have had the pleasure, and are well acquainted with the band then, you are here because you come craving more and for the confirmation that you are not the only one aurally evolved.

“The Love Drag Years” experiences a big bang effect, which is really “Fly Boy”, track one. The song is flawless, sleazy and catchier than a fucking cold. This is now the start of the rest of your life, so fucking deal with it. “Science Fiction Boy” is cool as ice let me tell you. Hell, it’s all cool, but I feel it tradition to go track by track if possible and I do try not to spout the same garbage upon you. “Science Fiction Boy” has a killer riff and a happy as a wino in piss hook. The song is a great indicator of the style of the band and what you will come to expect from the rest of the material, little kicks and jerks, almost slurred, whispered verses and heavier than you think guitars. The title track will then wipe the floor with your ass, packing plenty of spaced-out attitude and possessing your finger to poke at the “repeat” button. Star Star also throw in a cover of the often forgotten Alice Cooper tune “Nervous”, and guess what…..it’s damn good. “Cowboys In Space” is more of a Jerry Lewis/Throbs style romp, complete with punch drunk honky tonk piano. “Baby Shoulda’ Known” is another heavy tune and a real stand-out amongst a parade of already perfect specimens, great riff, great whiny vocals and plenty more riffage to boogie to. “Groovy Guru Gangster Girl” has an amazing chorus, pure pop-rock gold and by now you should have the biggest fucking grin on your face, due to the almighty high you are experiencing. “Treasure Or Trash” is the other notable track I will, I suppose vaguely, summarize. It’s great, oh so great even though the actual song and words fuck off after about two and half minutes, you are left to be mashed into the wall by a motherfucker of a riff!

Then, the comedown. Not a bad one either. The album is only 33mins long (maybe a gripe, but I’m reaching), with one acoustic “ballad”, which comes at the finish for comfort and to let you catch your breath. All in all, “The Love Drag Years” is one of the best rock albums I’ve ever heard, and I’m being as honest as I can be right now, also it only cost me £1.79! That’s a what we call a steal right there people….But seriously, I cannot even begin to recommend it enough. It’s totally worth just buying even on a whim, if you happen to come across it. Or better yet, seek this sucker out. You heard it here….

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Ozzy Osbourne - The Ultimate Sin (1986)

2009-11-09T12:11:00.000-08:00

1. The Ultimate Sin
2. Secret Loser
3. Never Know Why
4. Thank God For The Bomb
5. Never
6. Lightning Strikes
7. Killer Of Giants
8. Fool Like You
9. Shot In The Dark

“The Ultimate Sin” is an epic beast and a true Flash Metal gem – one of my favourite records of all time folks. I remember spending so many moonlit nights as a 16yr old spinning this sucker over and over, side by side, gawking out the window, longing for memories and experiences that I couldn't even begin to put into words. Uh-oh! Don’t want to start rambling nonsense but every word I type here, I swear is a labour of love.
So, anyway, just look at that fucking cover! It calls upon your heavy metal hunger, to place it on the turntable, crank it to max volume and commands you to bang your head like some uncontrollable zombie…

Often considered just to be Ozzy’s “glam-metal” phase, it is oh so much more. At the time of its release, “The Ultimate Sin” (originally titled “Killer Of Giants”) was Ozzy’s highest charting studio album. The RIAA awarded the album Platinum status on May 14, 1986 and it was awarded double Platinum status on October 26, 1994. TUS is one of the most perfect slices of 80s metal you could possibly wish to hear and it almost transports you right back to 1986, when all anyone ever cared about was kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. To me, the album is a step up from previous platter “Bark At The Moon”, in the sense that, it truly defines the artist at that point in time. There are no crusty aural leftovers harking back to the days of Sabbath or the late 70s hard rock style present on Ozzy’s first two solo outings. TUS stands alone, sounding different to anything the prince of darkness had conjured before and would create afterward. It is pure, unadulterated, unashamedly energetic heavy fucking metal! To be fair, one could look back and giggle at the Ozzman’s attire during this particular tour, but one can also go and shove their ass in a blender. Seriously, you don’t ever dare to question a grown man wearing a bumble-bee patterned evening gown and a Dallas style wig….That’s what I like to call having balls and knowing how to be an proper entertainer. Ozzy Osbourne ruled the fucking universe back in ’86.

The music itself is fantastic; Jake E. Lee lays down some nasty riffs, full of 16-bit analogue 80s crunch, while the Ozzman delivers some of his cleanest, stable vocals ever and the whole combination echoes into the darkest corners of your mind – it’s unforgettable. The lyrics are packed with rock n’ roll tales of self loathing, stalking, and caustic warnings in fear of nuclear winter, bathed in ice-cold neon steel and pressed into vinyl form. The title track is an awesome thumping, rasping anthem (with a hilarious video to boot!) and contains some weird little sound effects and gremlin-like voices that pop up now and then throughout the whole album. “Secret Loser” is jaw-droppingly cool and Jake E. Lee’s guitar work is once again nothing short of phenomenal (a shame that this would be his last record with Ozzy), proving that life could go on without Randy Rhoades – the fact is Jake had the chops to play Randy’s stuff well and churn out his own classic pieces - The overall sound, tempo and chorus of this track is irresistibly up-beat and catchy as hell (The song was also featured in the movie The Wraith).

“Thank God For The Bomb” (great title) is yet another song with amazing riffs and a shout it out loud chorus. “Lightning Strikes” baffles me as to why Ozzy doesn’t have it in his set and why his fans don’t covet this one more proudly!? It’s fucking immense in every way, especially the way it opens – a guitar riff very reminiscent of “Crazy Train” lurking in before Ozzy’s trademark wail rides in on top. “Lightning Strikes” is easily one of the strongest cuts on here - an utter joy to rock along to. "Killer Of Giants" is a ballad and a very, very good one. The lyrics take a more serious turn here and Ozzy's voice has never sounded better. The verses and pre-chorus build so majestically into a simple, yet powerful main hook. "Fool Like You" is cool as fucking anything! Awesome lyrics, awesome riffs, vocals, drumming - you name it. The tempo and pacing of this song is absolutely perfect, another stand-out.

The final song is "Shot In The Dark", which is the most well known song on here (released as a single with an excellent video) and it is without doubt, exceptional. The music is gorgeous, dream-like and bitching all at the same time. Once, again the lyrics are wonderful and Ozzy's vocals seem quite haunting. I always find that when I listen to this track, I get a little teary. It embodies everything I love about 80s music and 80s metal in particular and I cannot stress that strongly enough! "Shot In The Dark" is one of my all time favourite rock songs and possesses a super guitar solo that I have never forgotten my fondness for.

If you don't have this record in your collection. Buy it. If it's not your bag after a few spins, fine. But at least give this one a listen, as too few do (it's only been remastered once - in 1995!?) Most of the tracks present here are never mentioned at all these days when Ozzy's back catalogue is reviewed or summarized for yet another "best of/greatest hits" package. "The Ultimate Sin" is sinfully good Flash Metal, that never fails to sate the bats in my mental belfry...

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

BulletBoys - 10c Billionaire (2009)

2009-11-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

1. Asteroid
2. Blessed By Your Touch
3. Born To Breed
4. Bringing Home The Gun
5. Girls Kissin' Girls
6. Jenna Star
7. Road To Nowhere
8. Save The World
9. Wasted
10. Witness
11. Road To Nowhere (Radio Version)

Ah, The BulletBoys. You know I used to love them, but it's all over now...

Unbelievably, this is the band's sixth studio album, with Marq Torien again being the only original member present and he once again takes up the task of producing a crusty pile of horse shit! - further tarnishing the BulletBoys name. I was particularly disappointed with this album, as alot of the old big name 80s bands have put out top-notch solid records recently. Danger Danger, KISS, Winger, House Of Lords, and W.A.S.P.'s new stuff have been complete returns to form and some of the best releases of the entire year. 10c Billionaire cannot even be put into the same category as any of those Cd's, in fact I feel bad now just for mentioning them in the same post. 10c Billionaire is awful...

Woeful, pathetic and an utter mess. There's no Mick Sweda, Jimmy D'Anda (although Lonnie Vencent has lost his mind again and re-joined the band, but then again, he's got fuck all better to do!) and long gone are the days of the Van Halen-esque sleaze rock the BulletBoys were so good at crafting. No "F#9"'s, no "Kissin' Kitty"'s or "Smooth Up In Ya"'s to be heard here. No, just horrendous nu-metal garage rock that sounds like it was recorded in a bucket. I have no idea why on earth Marq Torien thinks that this is what people want to hear. It's obvious he's trying to update their sound and fit in with newer acts, but the dude is getting old and he should know what he's good at. He sucks at this type of "music", because this type of music sucks.....hard! He can't honestly thinks this tripe sounds good can he? Can he!?

BulletBoys used to ooze sex and debauchery, they were stylish and they just rocked plain and simple. It used to be good old fashioned hard rock tinged with sexual innuendo, as in the aforementioned "Kissin' Kitty". Now we get "Girls Kissin' Girls", which is just cheap and blatant. The song screams to me "Hey look, I used to be somebody, I think I still am, I can still score with the chicks right?" BulletBoys fans will hate this record and I challenge anyone just to make it through listening to the samples for each track. They've put "Road To Nowhere" on twice and it goes nowhere both times. The production is awful, the quality of guitar playing is almost non-existent, but you can hear that Torien still has the pipes on him. That's sad as well, 'cause Marq Torien has a great voice, full of screeching soul and it is going totally to waste on 11 tracks of trash. I'd expect a crappy new album from say, Faster Pussycat or Pretty Boy Floyd, but I kind of held the BulletBoys in higher regard in terms of comeback output...

At a stretch I'd say that "Wasted" is the best track, the most listenable anyway amongst all this de-tuned, whiny noise. But, and this is big, huge, massive b-u-t, do not buy this album. According to my sources, in its first week of sales, 10c Billionaire, entered the Billboard album charts at the #6 position of top Internet sales. Please I beg of you, don't let them make any money and think that this is good shit, or that their fans are just pleased to have new material to listen to. You may have arrived at this page, due to being a fan yourself but you know BulletBoys are better than this. So just stick with the self-titled debut and "Freakshow". For shame...

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

KISS - Animalize (1984)

2009-11-08T03:41:00.000-08:00

1. I've Had Enough (Into The Fire)
2. Heaven's On Fire
3. Burn Bitch Burn
4. Get All You Can Take
5. Lonely Is The Hunter
6. Under The Gun
7. Thrills In The Night
8. While The City Sleeps
9. Murder In High Heels

Time to get educated my fair freaks...

In 1983 the hottest band in the land - KISS - removed their trademark makeup, exposing their faces to the world and released the classic "Lick It Up" album which helped revive them during their bad start to life in the 1980s and further cemented them as one of rock's biggest draws. After the heavy MTV rotation and chart hits had come and gone for that year, the band parted ways with shred-god Vinnie Vincent and Stanley and Simmons brought in guitarist Mark St. John (White-Tiger) to record the follow-up "Animalize". Bringing with it new costumes (featuring tons of leopard & zebra print), staging and enhancing further the band's technical abilities that had been forced into overdrive a year earlier, by the departing Vincent.

Most KISS fans and even KISS themselves don't look upon this album or period too fondly and this is mostly due to KISS possibly trying to fit in with the younger, glam metal movement that was about to go supernova at the time and in m opinion, because they weren't wearing the make-up anymore. I'd say 90% of KISS fans I've spoken to despise the entire 80s KISS catalogue and they are being far too dismissive and are blinded by their own nostalgia and fear of change. They are missing out on some quality metal. Yeah, that's right, you read correctly - "metal". 1980s KISS is criminally underrated (surprise, surprise it is yours truly's favourite period in the band's career), in particular "Animalize", as it is, without a doubt the heaviest album KISS ever committed to vinyl and crosses the path into Flash Metal territory. The album was also their biggest selling album since 1977's "Alive II" and attained platinum status within three months of being released - not bad going, if you ask me! Paul Stanley (vocals/guitar) stated that "Animalize" was about being a live, raw rock n' roll band and that "people back then were becoming like computers, making music by pressing buttons and that's no fun".

The record opens with the thunderous "I've Had Enough (Into The Fire)", which to this day, I still think is one of the most fucking brilliant song titles I've ever known. The song is extremely heavy for KISS and a huge step up from what "Lick It Up" only hinted at. The riffing is fast, the bass pummeling, Eric Carr's drumming as always is untouchable and Paul Stanley's delivery makes this track come across mighty dangerous. The song is notable for likely being the first KISS song where the lead guitarist was truly allowed to let-rip and melt some faces. Mark St. John's (guitar) solo on this baby is certainly capable of melting some faces - this shit utterly demands to be cranked all the way to 11! I guess it was the sign of the times, as KISS was having to compete with all these new acts, chocked full of lightning fast axe masters that they had inspired a decade earlier. They had to keep up, show the kids how this shit was done. It's unfortunate, but not a total surprise to learn that Gene Simmons (bass/vocals) was against letting St. John go wild with his chops on the record, as he found the shred-style to be irritating - claiming it was "like a bee buzzing around your ear". I love this style of guitar playing and can really appreciate the level a player needs to be at to pull it off in way that both adds to the music and sounds cohesive with the structure of the songs. So fuck Gene, the bass player would be the one to come out with a comment like that! *On a sad note, St. John would contract Reiter's syndrome, which caused his hands to swell making him unable to complete touring duties. He was replaced by Bruce Kulick by the end of 1984...

Anyway back to the songs themselves. "Heaven's On Fire" is a cracker! A great upbeat pop-rock anthem with some great lyrics: "I got a fever raging in my heart, you make me shiver and shake/baby don't stop, take it to the top, eat it like a piece of cake". KISS put "Heaven's On Fire" out as a single and made a video to accompany it, featuring the guys surround by many sexy ladies and opening with Paul Stanley's fingers ablaze, finishing with him jumping through a ring of fire - legend! The song is the only cut from this album that has kept a place in the band's set list since. "Burn Bitch Burn" (what the fuck is it with rock bands and fire themes?) is the first offering from Gene here and it's a barnstormer. Really heavy, great chorus, great lyrics overall and another nuclear assault of a guitar solo. The other stand-outs are; "Under The Gun", which is almost like a speed metal song it's so fast! I'd love to drive a Chevrolet 190mph into a brick wall whilst listening to this song (see, that's the power of KISS), "Thrills In The Night" which sounds alot like some of the opening cuts from "Unmasked" - it's got super-duper 80s verses, conjuring up all those images of sleazy street walkers and being out loaded 'til 3am. "While The City Sleeps" is another lost classic, containing more crunchy guitar work, cool vocals and the structuring in great, just great. Paul Stanley's production work on this by the way is fab...And that's coming from a guy who's vinyl copy is beaten to hell, like a red-headed step child.

So, it is yet another high recommendation from the Flash Metal Circus, whether you happen to be a KISS fan or not - do not underestimate the raw predatory power of 1984's "Animalize". This record screams metal from its waxy lungs and is definitely worth giving a spin. School's out....

RATING:

*Sadly, on April 5th 2007, Mark St. John suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and died. Flash Metal Circus will never forget his exceptional musical contribution to both KISS and White Tiger and to the legacy of 1980s metal.

© Flash Metal Circus

Aerosmith - Rocks (1976)

2009-11-07T10:27:00.001-08:00

1. Back In The Saddle

2. Last Child

3. Rats In The Cellar

4. Combination

5. Sick As A Dog

6. Nobody's Fault

7. Get The Lead Out

8. Lick And A Promise

9. Home Tonight

Ever remember that anti-substance advert years ago where the viewer was presented with the image of an egg in a pan, frying and it was accompanied by the line “This is your brain on drugs”? You do? Good. Well fuck the egg; they should have just used a copy of “Rocks” by Aerosmith! There is no other record ever made that sounds anywhere near as twisted as this bastard – it is one hell of a listening experience!

The year was 1976, and every uncle jack, motorcycle cat and his gypsy whore were chasing the dragon and wearing their needles out to “Rocks” (see what I did there?) This album is a bona-fide, mind bending masterpiece from start to finish - rattling and shaking, twisting and turning, scurrying and grinding along. I’m sure many Aerosmith fans will agree it is one of their best, if not their best ever output and disproves the theory (or facts….whatever) that “drugs are bad for you!” I mean, just have a fucking listen to what you can accomplish while being shamelessly intoxicated….

"We were doing a lot of drugs by then, but you can hear that whatever we were doing, it was still working for us." - Joe Perry

Let’s get one thing straight right now though – I am not an Aerosmith fan, because I only really dig this record and the band’s 1985 failed comeback album “Done With Mirrors”. I just think they nailed that true, bluesy bar sound on both records where their other 1970s output seems too dated even for me and their later 80s – present work is just soulless garbage, devoid of any grit. Plus, I strain my ears and struggle to hear Joe Perry’s guitar at all (sometimes I even question his existence!?) on that stuff.

But “Rocks” is awesome, there’s just no doubting, as tons of musicians from the hard rock community cite it as an inspiration and it has featured on so many greatest albums lists that there’s probably some clapped out printer somewhere with the cover ghosted permanently into its job menu. Aerosmith were four albums into their career and even though things may have been showing signs of going off the rails (vocalist Steven Tyler and guitarist Joe Perry’s drug abuse contributing heavily – they were dubbed the toxic twins), they pulled together to create some fabulous, riff-tastic music – the band’s magnum opus - that blew most other bands of that decade out of the fucking water! “Rocks” is Aerosmith certainly, at their most dangerous and dirty, delving face first into soon-to-be typical themes of; sex, drugs and fame.

“Back In The Saddle” comes swelling in, ambling up and firmly boots this rock n’ roll steed into action. The song is mainly about sex, maybe cowboy sex, so it’s crammed with innuendo. The rhythm section is great and the song is a fine opener. “Last Child” announces itself with a bad ass, motherfucker of a funky-monkey butt bass line. The song is built completely around the bass and the rest of the guys just jam along while Steven Tyler spits out raspy verse upon verse. “Last Child” is really the first song on here that shows off the complexity of a lot of these new song structures the band was employing. “Rats In The Cellar” charges in full pelt with a very “Toy In The Attic” vibe and never lets up, it’s classic Aerosmith and beats the living shit out of anything that “Toys…” had to offer and pretty much everything after, that these rag doll junkies cooked up. “Rats…” has become something of a signature tune for me on a night out. They have that sucker on the juke at my usual haunt, so every bar room bum knows I’m there to get loaded and I mean business. “Combination” is fucking weird, plus Joe Perry handles the lead vocal duties although again, you’d be hard pressed to notice first time. The song is about mixing liquor and hard shit like crack and heroin, which probably made up a large percentage of Aerosmith’s intake during studio sessions. “Sick As A Dog” has a cool riff and some quirky lyrics – apparently the song details the meeting of Steven Tyler and his hero Mick Jagger. “Nobody’s Fault” hands down takes the crown for the best song on here - in my opinion, it’s also the best Aerosmith song period and easily one of the greatest rock songs in history. It’s another weird as hell track, heavy as fuck for these guys at the time and they’ve not come close to this sonically crushing level since. “Nobody’s Fault” comes blasting out of the speakers after a spacey little intro, booming cryptic lyrics, almost pained backing vocals, a staggering drunk of a chorus and a guitar solo that sounds like a cat with a kazoo up its ass. Again, good shit (Testament’s 1988 cover is also worth checking out). “Get The Lead Out” is another rocking riff machine, bluesy as fuck and keeps up the high standards set by all the previous tunes – the lyrics are great. “Lick And A Promise” is about going out and putting on the best show you can and winning the audience over every single time. I’d say that this is my second favourite song on “Rocks”, right after “Nobody’s Fault”, it’s totally raucous - gang vocals sound a little strange again, and it drives the album at max speed to the finale. “Home Tonight” is pretty much about fame and being on the road, with the guys getting all introspective. As album closers go, it fits very well, almost a cathartic come down from the sassy onslaught that preceded it. Not really a ballad, as it has way too much balls, but still a somewhat touching anthem which features a lot of classy guitar fills laid over the top.

“Rocks” is stunning, intriguing, excellent and an essential piece of music to own, whether you are an Aerosmith fan or not. The album has deserved all of the accolades it has already gained and deserves many more still. A hard rock classic that the band should be proud of and one which they should look back to for some well needed inspiration. It’s always and absolute pleasure to listen to and I cannot recommend it highly enough to you dear reader.
Buy it!

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Cry Wolf - Crunch (1991)

2009-11-06T11:31:00.000-08:00

1. Road To Ruin

2. Red Shoes

3. Face Down In The Wishing Well

4. Long Hard Road

5. On The Run

6. Stop, Look & Listen

7. Pretender

8. Dirty Dog Night

9. West Wind Blows

10. Back To You

To say that Cry Wolf were just another "hair band" from L.A. lost in the shuffle, would be cruel, but it is sadly true. In my opinion they essentially come across as a poor man's Firehouse. The music is lightweight, with a focus on ballads and the singer's (Timmy Hall) vocals sound alot like CJ Snare. At times the band even sound similar to Stryper. Timmy Hall, along with Steve McKnight (guitar), Phil Deckard (bass) and Paul Cancilla (drums) formed Cry Wolf around 1985, apparently they had a little competition, whereby the person to come up with the best band name won Motley Crue tickets. Nice.

The band recorded a demo that went down a storm in Japan (ah, those crazy Japs! They'll lap up anything!), leading to a debut LP - 1989's "Cry Wolf" - and mini tour in the land of the rising sun. After a handful of sold-out shows the guys scored a deal and the international release of "Crunch" through the Grand Slamm label. "Crunch" is basically the band's debut with some added cuts and a different running order, so picking up the self titled slab is no real big deal, as neither is this. Don't get me wrong, Timmy Hall has a lovely set of pipes and the band can play, play well in fact, but everything is missing balls. "Crunch" only has about four or five good tracks, with the other half of the recorded being decidedly average. "Road To Ruin" is a decent, but very mid-paced opener - again too lightweight - but it has some groove and a touch of spunky funk about it. "Long Hard Road" is a very forgettable ballad I'm afraid to say. If the rest of the album would have had a rawer feel, this song would have made a nice little interlude - a come down if you will from the not so daunting kiddie ride the listener had just been enduring. "Stop, Look & Listen" is probably the most rockin' tune on here, with maybe "Dirty Dog Night" a close second. Both showcase well, what Cry Wolf are capable of and I would give these a spin for sure if I was turning anyone onto them.

Now, the albums best song, and the song Cry Wolf are most well known for, is "Pretender". It's quite exceptional. The guitar work at the beginning is gorgeous and the song builds really beautifully into a semi-ballad, semi-rocker - top notch stuff (they did a promo video too). The band didn't last long into the 90's surprisingly, breaking up due to musical differences, poor sales in their homeland and the changing tide of the hard rock scene.

To sum up, pretty much everything else on this album isn't worth noting or ranting over in great detail, as it all comes across totally pedestrian which is sorely disappointing. Still, this record and everything contained on the compact disc that's lying next to me as I type, is still streets ahead in terms of class than anything you will find forced on you by the radio and the "charts". So suck on that...

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Ratt - Invasion Of Your Privacy (1985)

2009-11-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

1. You're In Love

2. Never Use Love

3. Lay It Down

4. Give It All

5. Closer To My Heart

6. Between The Eyes

7. What You Give Is What You Get

8. Got Me On The Line

9. You Should Know By Now

10. Dangerous But Worth The Risk

One year had passed since the Ratt gang had come crawling “Out Of the Cellar” and into the hearts and minds of the MTV generation. The year was now 1985 and the band was onto its sophomore effort - unleashing “Invasion of Your Privacy” - an album which would make them an instant headline act and an album that I consider to be the ultimate Flash Metal record of all time. IOYP is also, possibly Ratt’s best album. Beau Hill (fucking legend!) was back on board to produce; the press reviews were positive and it went on to achieve multi-platinum status.

So what’s so great about it? Everything…

From the opening staccato-picked riff, with its pseudo-thrash tones, you are aware right away that you are listening to a 80s metal tune and a damn fine one at that. “You’re In Love” (with its promo) has gone down not only as a Ratt classic, but as an essential track that defines 80s glam rock. It sets the tone for the whole album - ice cold, almost surgical and pulsating. The lyrics (as on most of this album) seem quite cryptic and randomized “you take the midnight subway train/you’re calling all the shots”, but half the time the listener is able to pick out all the typical shit: “I’m the one who’s out and aims to please/you make your living lovin’ hot, you spin me like a top”. Hell, Ratt could sing the alphabet and it would sound cool as fuck and that’s the point. It’s the delivery of Stephen Pearcy (vocals) and his distinctive (at times robotic) pipes and the way all the words wrap themselves around Warren DeMartini and Robbin Crosby’s guitar lines. I cannot for the life of me think of any album that kicks off so well, fully embodying and oozing the true sound of its decade within the opening seconds. IOYP is a fucking time machine baby!

“Never Use Love” comes crashing in right off the back of track one, quickly scrambling itself into a truly awesome riff, preparing to take you on another journey where Ratt helps us to vicariously date chicks, dump chicks, get cheated on and reminisce – good times….But seriously everything again is as tight as a virgin’s snatch with more super sub-zero verses, building up to one of the most euphoric chorus hooks in rock history! I must say, hand on heart that I love this song to death and it was the chorus that made me fall head over heels – my favourite song on the album and my favourite Ratt song period, 3 minutes and 54 seconds of bliss.

“Lay It Down” is a song (and video) tons of people into glam are familiar with, being a major suggestive sex anthem to glitter-trash brats everywhere. The song holds up the momentum, although takes the pace down a notch slightly, but it is the track that best showcases the talents of the two axe men. On “Lay It Down” Warren DeMartini literally does just that, by totally surpassing himself and letting rip halfway through, with an epic guitar solo. When I talk Flash Metal, when I even begin to describe my little custom box – my aural niche – I have this song solely in mind, first and foremost because it is the undoubted definition of all the thoughts and energy that course through my being. The promo video is also notable as it features a very young Whitby Hertford (A Nightmare On Elm Street: The Dream Child), album cover model Marianne Gravatte and Chucko the clown. Plus, the Ratt boys look bitchin’.

“Give It All” is yet another building orgasm, releasing floods of melodic perfection. Packed with pumping bass, drums and spiraling fret work abounds. The chorus is once again glam metal excellence and the track contains more stunning guitar work and great gang vocals. Four songs in, the Ratt gang apply the brakes to their thrill ride in funland and stop to take a rest, dishing out the only ballad – “Closer To My Heart”, which I’ve always thought has been a quite underrated number in the band’s repertoire. For a sleaze rock act, well known to party and epitomize the pop stylings of its particular genre, they sure know how to knock out an emotional tune. Nice clean acoustics for the most part, ascending into a semi-electrical gang vocal fade out, “Closer To My Heart” is solid and for the life of me I don’t know why Ratt didn’t record more songs in this vein. The other stand-out stellar, razor riff tracks are “Between The Eyes” – one that always makes me think of my ex fiancée (it was her favourite Ratt song) - another cool as fuck song, stumbling along with Stephen Pearcy really making the track once again with that spot-on rough, yet whiny tone. “Got Me On The Line” kicks mucho, mucho ass full stop. It has a little studio recorded intro and outro that really boosts the impact of the song, making you feel breathless and speechless by the finish. It’s definitely a “what the fuck was that” – leave you in awe, killer tune.

Three more songs make up the album, “What You Give Is What You Get”, “You Should Know By Now” and “Dangerous But Worth The Risk” – all of those are great, but slightly below par with the other tracks it pains me to say. They are quite similar, containing the cheesiest of the lyrics, though don’t be fooled. They rock, yet more brilliantly ecstatic hooks and groovy driving riffs. All in all, this album is one seriously wicked motherfucker. I swear down, and I tell no lies – Buy it. Love it. You cannot listen to this and not get your butt happy. Feet will tap, heads may bang, air guitars will be created mid-listen and you may like me, have an unstoppable urge to apply make-up, tease your hair and fuck all night….

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

Rawhead Rex (1986)

2009-11-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

One day I went into town and bought an old copy of Fangoria magazine (you know, when it used to be good) and flicked through the endless pages of full colour gore, until I stumbled upon a small black and white “reader's letters” section. On that page staring back at me, was none other than the pagan powerhouse of the emerald isles himself….Rawhead Rex.

I love anything (and still do) with the monster - guy in a suit, created creatures and workshop FX. I immediately read the corresponding letter, frantically clutching the stapled rag until I knew what this image had come from and tried to make a mental note of the title. Now, back then (this must be about ‘96) my family didn’t have the internet or any fancy cable with reams of movie channels and DVDs were only in their infancy, so there was no way of getting my hands on this new discovery. I tried talking to a guy called Seb who worked at the local VHS store (which is now an Indian curry house), as they had stacks of gory home video delights down the bottom end and he knew his stuff. Alas, they didn’t have it and so, about nine years went by (memory somewhat fuzzy) before I waltzed into my nearby supermarket and the bastard was right there on the shelf – on DVD – for £3! A purchase was made that day, albeit the jury is still out on whether it was a good one, but nevertheless I had gained a form of closure.

Now, Rawhead Rex was originally a short story that made up volume three of horror novelist Clive Barker’s “Books of Blood”. From what I have read and including intended bits and bobs from the original screenplay, the finished film doesn’t stray too far from its source material. That is why I have difficulty with so much of the negativity directed towards this film and the comments Clive Barker himself has made. Firstly, it was only the second of his works to be transferred to the big screen (Transmutations being released the year before), secondly, it had a modest budget shall we say, and thirdly – George Pavlou was onboard again as director (both the former and “Rawhead Rex” being two of the three films he ever made!). Barker was so dissatisfied with the end product that it motivated him oversee the glorious Hellraiser (1987), which would evidently be his best known work as a filmmaker. Take into account then, that Clive Barker hasn’t really made that many movies, or any generally “good” movies. This is why Rawhead Rex to me is so criminally underrated as a monster movie - a competent, decent 80s monster movie!

So, it all begins with a farmer digging up the earth in a field (as farmers tend to do) and uh-oh! Holy bejeezus and a bucket of lucky charms! He unintentionally (with the help of some lightning for believability of course) unleashes a 9ft tall, ancient pagan demo-god from his underground prison. Meanwhile back in the dreary little Irish village that we must suffer for the next 89mins, an Irish-American photographer (Howard Hallenbeck, played by David Dukes) has dragged his family there to take snaps for a book. Most of the scenes where the family is conversing and Howard takes photos, talks to locals – I find extremely dull and tedious and there is a lot of this unfortunately.
Elsewhere, Rawhead is tearing up the village and killing locals one by one. In one early scene in particular, the film delivers probably it’s most genuinely creepy and frightening moment – Rex (from the viewers perspective to begin with) burst out from a barn, killing a farmer and then proceeds toward his house, where the farmer’s wife looks on in sheer terror. She is with child and struggles to clamber up the stairs, slamming doors behind her as Rex breaks into the kitchen. This scene is also quite humorous for a brief moment as Rawhead feels it important to mess all the shelves up, focusing mainly on cracking eggs, bashing some flour bags and spilling spaghetti everywhere. He then mounts the stairs, with the farmer’s wife trapped in a bedroom helpless to the evil that is approaching. Rawhead breaks through the door (and the effects look good here – with his matted hair, torn costume, pallid skin and glowing red eyes) to the brooding score and moves toward the woman, we then see that his attention is drawn to her womb and the scene cuts off….

After a few more kills, the police have been reluctantly convinced by Howard that it is a large beast – a monster, which is stalking the land and committing the grisly murders (one of which is Howard’s own young son). They track the monster to the local church where one of the priests (Declan O’Brien, played by Ronan Wilmot) is turning against his faith to worship and serve Rex, helping the beast to kill the reverend. Howard is there with the police, seeking vengeance for the loss of one of his children – to see Rawhead set the church on fire and sustain a barrage of bullets from the police motorcade. During these scenes there is a part where Rawhead urinates on father O’Brien, which is apparently an unorthodox baptism. It truly is, one of the downright coolest things I’ve witnessed in all my years so far of watching movies. I was stunned. Evetually Howard and his wife discover from a stained-glass window (handily featuring Rex being smote), that there is some weird Celtic stone used to vanquish such demons. The problem is that it is only a woman who can harness its true powers. So Howard’s wife holds the stone up in the middle of the churchyard and it causes Rex to be swallowed up into the earth and he decomposes into a skeletal state. The end.

I like this movie, although I will admit I have found it quite boring – it doesn’t hold up well after repeated viewings or if you are planning to watch it in the company of other, the sceptical and sarcastic amongst them will most likely find a lot of fault. It is flawed, the acting is bad - sometimes it's good - it's all hit and mi really. But, it has charm and is a solid monster movie that does offer something different. Yes, the end is a cop out and at times, the pacing is very slow with the creature effects also looking ropey from time to time – It’s worth a viewing I assure you, especially if you claim to be a retro-horror nutball….

Best Quote: "Get upstairs, fuckface! I can't keep God waiting!"

RATING:

Links

2009-11-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

366 Weird Movies
"Celebrating the cinematically surreal, bizarre, cult, oddball, fantastique, psychotronic, and the just plain WEIRD!"

Badmovies.org
"A website to the detriment of good film"

Bargain Basement Thrills

Bearded Weirdo Reviews
"Bad taste is just an acquired taste"

DarkSider's Realm
"We aim to give attention to some of Hollywood's most solid bowel movements"

Deranged Visions
"Films from the world of off-kilter cinema"

Information Geek's Reviews

Radiation-Scarred Reviews
"An overflowing cornucopia of toxic waste, cheap gore and rubbery monsters"

The Tomb Of Anubis

Bon Jovi - Slippery When Wet (1986)

2009-11-02T11:14:00.000-08:00

1. Let It Rock
2. You Give Love A Bad Name
3. Living On A Prayer
4. Wanted Dead Or Alive
5. Social Disease
6. Never Say Goodbye
7. Wild In The Streets
8. I'd Die For You
9. Raise Your Hands
10. Without Love

If you think this is going to be a positive review then think again. I suggest going back the clinic and getting pricked again to safeguard that wacky little ounce of nostalgia you hold for this “product” - If that may be the case. I will pull no punches and will bask in negativity for I feel that I can see clearly – past the record sales, past the perms, the pearly whites and certainly past the mountain of bras left by every Jersey girl this side of Sayreville.

I’m sure there are plenty of people out there that just love Jonny B and the boys – obviously I’m in the minority here, but I am forever stunned that even their own fans are so blind as to brand them “rock” and that they are constantly rotated on every godforsaken video channel ever created – VH1 I’m shaking my head and fist at you here….Now before anyone gets to thinking “hey you dick, what about all the other hair/glam-pop, trash brat motherfuckers that flooded the airwaves back in the day?” What of them? – They who wore their hearts (and lingerie) on their sleeves, the dirty boys, the down boys who had actual attitude and were never afraid to take a walk on the wild side, to rock for the chicks and do it with passion? They are blameless, even the worst, sappiest offenders (I’m thinking of Trixter right about now) – even the biggest corporate whores, because there was always a bigger corporate whore to rely on.

Bon Jovi, the charlatans who sucked ass in so many ways, they were dumping double the dirt all over your fucking turntables and your little sisters brain. They didn't even look that great either, not like strung-out vampire hookers or your friends hot mom - more like muppets for the Tipper Gore gang.
Again, I hear you cry “But I thought you loved the 80s man, they (BJ) had good songs, what’s the big deal?” I do love the 80s, more than you can even begin to comprehend - the almighty decade of decadence - but I do not want it to go on being defined by these smiling assassins.

I held off buying Slippery When Wet for around 12 years. I eventually caved to curiosity and visited my local second-hand record store – 43mins and 50p later I would discover what all the fuss had been about………nothing. Take a look at the image at the top of this review. That’s the original album cover, apparently too risqué for Mercury Records to put out, so little Jonny B quickly grabbed a trash bag a sprayed some water on it and took a snap – what a fucking genius…..The truth of the matter is, little Jonny B “didn’t like” the pink border round the cover!? Now remember this is the fucking 80s, this is an 80s rock band, touring the world with all the glitter/glam kings Hollywood could birth – what the fuck is wrong with pink!? The chicks (the target market) would’ve loved it! I tell you why, ‘cause little Jonny B and his poodle pals were too insecure about their sexuality and being the tough Jersey dudes they think they are. Any sunset strip band, who even considered this some sort of dilemma, would have just “said fuck it” and shipped that mutha out. Hell these guys probably didn't even have pussy on their minds, when they dreamt up the title - they were probably groping some baby weasels...

Now, I will admit (and lets get this out of the way) that “Livin’ On A Prayer”, “Wanted Dead Or Alive” and “You Give Love A Bad Name” are great tracks that I have no real problem with, as I grew up with them – I too succumb so easily to the slightest morsel of nostalgic goodness. Those three tunes right there, are huge catchy-ass anthems, that no-one can deny. It’s just the rest of this plastic lump I have strong issues with. The rest of this is probably some of the blandest and most blatant filler I’ve heard in my entire life (and I own a 3,000+ strong record collection, so I’m no Paul Rees spunkwad). The fact is the band were unhappy that “they had not become the superstars they had hoped” – that’s a statement made by posers and pussies right their ladies and gentlemen. They had the label bring in outside writes such as the legendary Desmond Child and producer Bob Rock to carry their candy asses. So besides the three aforementioned (but totally overplayed) tracks, what are we left with? “Social Disease” …sucks. “I’d Die For You” …blows, as does “Never Say Goodbye”. If you actually get down to the bare bones of it, the bulk of Slippery is just a vehicle for the “hits” that will bring all the crispy green rolls in for JB’s sugar daddies back at the label….And slap my thigh and call me Dorothea! That’s exactly what happened – marketing folks, the mainstream pop bandwagon got rolling and it never fucking stopped. But, I can sleep easy, because look at these jerks now – they cut their hair, flirted with country and abandoned whatever “rock” genre you had them safely pigeon-holed in. They never sold out though and you know why? They never had anything raw and pure in the first place….

Thank you for reading and I await my lawsuit……

RATING:

*Sorry kids, no video as "embedding is disabled by request" - what a cryin' shame!

© Flash Metal Circus

Pervirella (1997)

2009-11-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Ugh, I feel dirty just for typing this. This film is 92 minutes of badly lit, shoe-string budget boredom served up by two budding directors (Alex Chandon & Josh Collins) that was mysteriously hailed as some sort of cult classic over ten years ago. I am still to this day baffled as to why. I am also still completely mystified as to the reason why I splashed out £10 for this tripe!? Oh yeah, I remember now. It was for boobs. But these are no ordinary boobs, as they belong to one ultra cool brunette babe by the name of Emily Booth (then going by the name Bouffante), who was making her film debut. I will get my drooling, obsessive lust for this woman out of the way now, as there is plenty of hardened shit to scrape through….

Emily Booth is the UK’s answer to Linnea Quigley. She is gorgeous, perfect in fact. She has an extremely sexy voice, she loves rock n’ roll, video games and zombie flicks – she is every anti-social misfits dream girl. She is the only reason – repeat – only reason I bought this fucking wart covered asshole of a film, full stop. She wears a pink wig, gets naked an awful lot and makes out with some amazon bitch. The pervert in me could not resist.

So, basically the plot is that Queen Victoria, apparently still alive (we have no indication of the time frame here) by aid of strange pipes that pump porridge and dogshit into her, has sealed off London under a monarchy of terror. She is looking for a child, whilst squeezing rubber babies out of her dried up old snatch and forcing all sexual deviants underground where they have formed a new society – the cult of perv (a batch of fat nazi, mutant sex fiends) .
The baby in question is Pervirella (Emily Booth), who is to be a future saviour due to her overactive sexual libido (just read all that back so far, seriously, this shit writes itself). She is saved by her father, some goofy professor who is like a spoof of Indiana Jones or Alan Quartermain or some other jungle jim with a fanny-ass name….who cares.
The idea is that to control her sexual deviance, she wears an amulet (a loosely fitting one at that) and must travel across the kingdom (a gong and a papier-mâché globe) to find a magic elixir. So yeah, basically, that’s it.

The problem is that all of this stuff looks horrific and is absolutely uncomfortable to watch. I know full well, there’s no budget, but everything is gross and all the characters (barring Pervirella) are ugly and unlikable to the extreme. The start of the film is so painfully boring. It’s just a series of characters delivering poor dialogue to the abomination that is Queen Victoria (with cameos from Jonathan Ross and Mark Lamarr). I swear I don’t know who the fuck dreamt that bitch up, but it’s just so foul. There's a dude called "The Shend" and it's his real fucking ass name!?
There’s this dude too, by the name of Sexton Ming (played by Anthony Waghorne) who is utterly repulsive, yet a dude called “Sexton Ming” plays the Queen Victoria character!? It makes no sense, none of it does. What’s worse is that the humour is desperately bad and even as a trashy exploitation flick this would fall flat on its face.
The only other film I could compare this too (and it’s equally as crud) is “Die You Zombie Bastards!”

I’ve never watched a film so painful to sit through, I wanted to end as soon as it began, but my love of Ms Booth was just too much to abandon it so early. I was punished for my perversion, much like the freaks and mutants who make up the cult of perv. The fist thing that will spring to mind is that it seems like a very, very bad Barbarella rip-off and you can also tell the directors drew inspiration from Terry Gilliam when it came to set design and dialogue. I am no fan of Terry Gilliam by the way. I don’t care for weird little ships made out of plastic, visible strings and bad drawings. Sometimes that does work, where a film has real humour or an amateurish charm – this is a barren wasteland in terms of anything that has any redeeming qualities. Then, it tortured me further with Pervirella jumping the bones of old fat beardy dudes, just like “Wizards” fucked me over at the end with Avatar scoring with that insanely hot fairy, Elinore.

I hate this film (it raped me and it raped my wallet – we can’t even look at each other anymore), I don’t watch it and I certainly don’t recommend it to anyone unless you are a sick, messed up die-hard Emily Booth fan.

RATING:

W.A.S.P. - Babylon (2009)

2009-11-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

1. Crazy
2. Live To Die Another Day
3. Babylon's Burning
4. Burn
5. Into The Fire
6. Thunder Red
7. Seas Of Fire
8. Godless Run
9. Promised Land

Two years ago I went to see W.A.S.P. perform live in concert at the Manchester Academy. It was during the Crimson Idol tour, where the band played that record in its entirety and also a selection of "hits" as an encore. It was a great night and Blackie and the boys were on top form, note perfect. But, there was something worrying that night. Blackie stated that they would not be back for a "very long time" - take into consideration the fact that the man was into his 50s and had decided it time to fully tour an album 15 years old, one which became almost too personal for him during its initial release period. Two years went by since that night, no word of a new album, with W.A.S.P. only playing a few festival dates here and there, fans were worried that it was over for good.

Then, bam! It is announced that W.A.S.P. were to put out a new album entitled "Babylon" which I can safely say now sits next to me on the table as I type this. The previous album "Dominator" had been somewhat of a semi-concept record (focusing on America's "war on terror"), but a return to straight-forward hard rock after the deep, dark, story driven Neon God double with all their interludes and complex arrangements. Fans wanted new material but material that sounded like "classic W.A.S.P." and even if they didn't get that then hoping for more than refrains and covers to fill running times. Babylon is supposedly another semi-concept album in which the theme revolves around the four horsemen of the apocalypse, but that is far from accurate. Is Babylon another worthy addition to the already impressive W.A.S.P. catalogue? Has Blackie Lawless delivered the goods again? The answer to both those questions is yes.

Babylon kicks off with lead single "Crazy" - the band are supposedly shooting a video for it, which will be the first since "Black Forever" way back in '95. "Crazy" is an excellent rock song and a fantastic way to start the new record, though a lot of fans claim that it is too similar to "Wild Child" and simply a rehash of that track. They are wrong. I can hear a slight similarity in the main riff, but that is only comparable to the very first bars of "Wild Child", meaning the remaining chunks of both songs stand alone. Again it's a great song, good writing and Blackie lays some great vocals down, with his trademark voice sounding as strong as ever.
"Live To Die Another Day" maintains the quality and features a really cool chorus melody and some decent guitar work. "Babylon's Burning" is yet another cracking piece of music keeping the albums flow going, still devoid of any real apocalyptic feel as mentioned before - not a bad thing by any means.
W.A.S.P. then pay homage to the legendary Deep Purple with a truly great cover of "Burn". I must admit, I've heard Whitesnake do some pretty smoking live versions of this, but the W.A.S.P. version has taken the crown for me. Definately betters the original in my opinion. The guitar work again is great - probably the best track to showcase Doug Blair's talents on the axe - and everything else is tight, boosted by the fact that the track suits Blackie so perfectly.
"Into The Fire" is a ballad of sorts, albeit a tremendous one. I've read other reviews, where listeners have claimed that it is too slow or just okay....They seriously need to give this one a few more spins. I believe it to be one the best songs W.A.S.P. have ever recorded. It builds up beautifully and you can feel the emotion and power of it pumping out of the speakers. "Into The Fire" actually reminds me of "Lake Of Fools" and another song, though it escapes me at this moment in time. "Thunder Red" is another stone cold classic W.A.S.P. track, that is very pacy and Blackie's vocals are extremely strong on this one. Just a great, hard rock song still maintaining the quality of the album."Seas Of Fire" is just as good as all the tracks that preceed it, keeping the tone together, yet another stand alone track that oozes class. "Godless Run" has been getting much praise from articles I have read and it's easy to see why. Another song that builds up, beginning as somewhat of a ballad then becomes more pacy as it reaches its climax.
That brings us to Babylon's closer - "Promised Land" is another cover, this time it's a famous Chuck Berry tune about a man travelling to California and pledging to call home once he has arrived safe. I can honestly say I've played this track the most and I cannot express properly how uncontrollably ecstatic it makes me. It must be, has to be - is....The greatest cover song I have ever had the pleasure to listen to. It betters the original recording x100! It's a totally blistering romp. Fast, heavy, bluesy, the lead work is exceptional and Blackie's delivery is awesome. "Promised Land" is my favourite track after "Into The Fire" for sure.

Now, I like to think I am the world's biggest W.A.S.P. fan and it's hard to be biased or to moan about anything, so my only gripes are 1. The running time again is too short, seeing as there is only seven new original compositions and 2. While the playing and production is top notch, I was left wanting when it came to the guitar solos. I mean, they're there, but aren't memorable - which was the case on Dominator also. I know first hand that Doug Blair is a phenomenal player and has served W.A.S.P. for some time now, but I still find it hard not to long for Chris Holmes to be back in the band.

Overall, if you're a W.A.S.P. fan like me, this is a must buy. There are touches of the "classic" sound and obviously the newer sound we're all used to by now, soaked in brilliant production and wrapped up in a nice design. If you aren't, I still highly recommend it, as it is one of the best records of the year and is just full of great, melodic hard rock.

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

The Bang Gang - Love Sells (1990)

2009-11-01T05:52:00.000-08:00

1. Pedal to the Metal

2. 20th Century Boy

3. The Neon Fairytale

4. Young and the Restless

5. You Make the Beat Go On

6. Be a Model (or Just Look Like One)

7. Dangerous

8. Thrill After Thrill

9. B.M.G. (Be My Girl)

“Out walking with the young & the restless
Mama never begged – please come home
Out walkin’, never walkin’ alone…”

An album that is always capable of throwing me headlong into one big glam spasm. It oozes sleaze at every pore, sneers with abandon, is packed with catchy hooks and gives well deserved nods to pretty boy godfathers, Marc Bolan and Motley Crue.

Love Sells is an utter gem of the sunset strip scene in my eyes. It compels me to strut down the street decked out in tight leather, cowboy boots, an abundance of jangly bangles and to be totally loaded on vodka, causing maximum chaos. I type all this out to you now, after liberally applying some Maybelline foundation and eyeliner, backcombing my hair into the bird’s nest it currently resembles and once again placing this CD into the player. Ahh, that’s better - I’m much more comfortable….

The Bang Gang will look like - on first glance - your typical “hair band” to any Joe Blow rock n’ roll asshole, but they represent everything so devilishly raw and dirty within the bloated bubblegum world of glam metal. For a start their lead vocalist is called Jet Silver, which to me, is probably the most badass name any glitter/gloss muthafucker has ever baptized their self with! The dude sounds like a cat (that’s not a bad thing by the way) getting his cream, both in the alley and in the kitchen back home and he’s a hot guy (I’m not afraid to say it). Jet’s got sort of a lisping, drawl going on which on first listen makes the group sound similar to the likes of Faster Pussycat and Alleycat Scratch, but I can safely say the Bang Gang are streets ahead of both. We also have Scottie “The Bitch” Earle on bass (formerly of TKO and Culprit). Scottie had hit Hollywood back in ’87 and had try-outs with the likes of Lita Ford and Alice Cooper before pulling in old TKO band mate Kjartan Kristoffersen (guitar), Scott Stevens (guitar) and Achon Inc (drums) to join him and Jet Silver. The Bang Gang was born in 1989, only playing a handful of gigs and then venturing into the studio with Ryan Dorn to knock out Love Sells in 1990 on the independent label – Sinclair Records.

It all kicks off with the androgynous romp that is “Pedal to the Metal”. A song that possesses a whole metallic ton of sly charm and some of the coolest, kinkiest lyrics I think I’ve ever heard:

“Standing twenty pounds underweight/with my midnight tortured hair
She kissed my lips….they smeared across her face
Trouble on a stick/but she don’t care”

That type of lyric right there instantly sets the tone and to me conjures up all the images of being out on the town, at some dive of a bar, propped against the wall looking like a hooker junkie. Batting your eyes across the room to the next woman you’re destined to bed down with that night. You’ll get wasted on anything and everything and you don’t give a fuck.
It’s coming to that realisation and feeling that energy vamp vibe, which really edges this sucker into flash metal territory. The guitar sound is jangly at times, with quite a clear tone and then you get the dirty overdriven rhythm grinding in copping riffs straight from the T-Rex play book – it’s a wicked speed jive, flooring it toward total Ecstasy.
Speaking of ‘ol T-Rex, the Bang Gang boys serve up a very sweet little cover of “20th Century Boy” - that I’ve been told, was a big hit in the clubs back in ’90, practically a staple of every DJ worth his lick at the candy store and always preferred to the original even when it came to requests. The cover is heavier, with a nice backing vocal that almost makes the track come across as more pleading and possibly even whiny, but in a “come to bed”, “be my bitch” manner.

“Neon, neon/I’m a star struck boy
Over you/Neon neon”

The “Neon Fairytale” (what a fucking awesome title!) is basically the first of two ballads on the album – yeah they all had ‘em – but it’s a goody and the best one. The lyrics do seem cheesy, but I cannot get my head around how they still manage to be poetically gorgeous. The subject matter is in the style of an actual fairytale “If it were fifteen-seventeen/I met a fair maiden such as you” – and the comparison to modern day “But it’s now ninety-five/I’m no king, no prince, no knight”. I know some people would scoff at this as pansy trash, but I’m a huge sucker for just about anything that remotely gives mention to gnarly neon.

Now, for Love Sell’s finest moment: “Young & The Restless”. I have found it so hard to accurately put into words the sheer, stunning excellence of this track. It is top class as far as glam/sleaze anthems go, crammed with attitude, style, building little melodic pockets of pure euphoria without ever straying away from its methodical pounding beat. I saw the video a while back (the only promo vid they ever made) and it blew me the fuck away, big time. I mean, it was a rough copy, but damn was it cool. The track totally puts you in another zone, and I’d challenge anybody to try and restrain themselves from a boogie to this beast.

There are a couple of other killer tunes making up the rest of the record. “You Make the Beat Go On” and “Thrill after Thrill” are packed with wry innuendo dressed up as sophisticated sunset strip poetry (see that’s derogatory and complimentary at the same time – beat that!) and the other notable song is “Dangerous” as it features none other than Mr. Tracii Guns on lead guitar duties. “Dangerous” is a wicked track, another standout that drives home the sleaze and pins it down spread eagle. I tell ya, if this album was a chick, she’d be a coke-head cosplay cutie, all dressed up for the bukkake party of her life.

Unfortunately, this is the only Bang Gang album there is, albeit for a demo package titled “Vanity Kills” (released 2001) which also smokes despite lacklustre sound quality. The band fell on hard times, losing money and succumbing to in-fighting, plus there was the “g-word” (we do not speak its name here). Anyway, for all its worth (and this is a rare, expensive CD) “Love Sells” is simply incredible for the genre of music it is spawned from and I highly recommend it – it’s worth absolutely every single penny. I mean, if you don’t own this, yet you own some Faster Pussycat (I do btw)or Sea Hags, then you’re a fucking asshole!

RATING:

© Flash Metal Circus

The Ratings System

2009-11-01T03:54:00.000-08:00

Here at the Flash Metal Circus I will be reviewing movies & albums, mainly from the wonderful decade that was the 1980s. I am not judging anything on the basis of sales or overall critical approval. Most of the time I will be using my eyes and ears to covert into words many of my favourite pieces of entertainment. There will be some items that readers may disagre with, but it is just my opinion and you are more than welcome to comment in what ever way you wish. The ratings scale is from 1-5 (a five being the highest mark awarded) for both film & music, both mediums having different icons to mark their seal of approval:

Flash Metal albums will be marked with lighting bolts from 1-5:

All other albums (hard rock/heavy metal/glam) score spray cans from 1-5:

Movies score stars from 1-5:

Ratings are as follows:

5=Excellent, a true masterpiece
4=Cool, just missing that cherry on top
3=Okay, worth your time
2=Poor, very flawed
1=Garbage, let this rot

Concerts score warriors from 1-3:

3=Load the rocketship with the fuel!
2=All the fuses in the exit signs have been burnt out!
1=BAAAH!

*Ratings & icons may be subject to change (I get bored easily)

Priest Feast (2009) - Concert Review

2009-10-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

-My account of the concert which took place on: 27/02/09

Well, last night I went to the "Priest Feast" at the Apollo in Manchester. Three of my all time favourite bands were playing; Testament, Megadeth & Judas Priest!....And at £37 a ticket, that's getting a lot of bang for your buck in my opinion. So, saying that, it should have been awesome. It was "alright", my feelings are mixed as I experienced betrayal and practically "bullying" from my metal bretheren......

I'd left work early yesterday and went straight to Manchester. After getting changed, I made it to the venue about 6pm and made my way to my upper tier seat and took in my surroundings (first time at the Apollo). I had a real good view and gazed down over the whole stage, already set up with Testament's gear. The actual concert hall is dreadful though. It's lined with a weird red brickwork, some gold grouted panelling above the stage and the seats are rock hard, covered in old sticky fabric that's probably been there since the fuckking 60s. Anyway, Testament came on stage and played;

More Than Meets The Eye, The Formation Of Damnation, Henchmen Ride, Into The Pit, The New Order, Practice What You Preach, Persecuted Won't Forget, Sins Of Omission, Over The Wall and D.N.R. if I remember rightly.

Testament were great, groovy, brutal and I had tons of room to stand up and headbang, just a shame that the place was half full at that point. You could see the band were really enjoying themselves too, especially Chuck Billy, which made it even more of a pleasure to watch them. Unfortunately, that's where my fun ended as the night was about to go downhill and only recovered slightly, when nearing the very end of the gig.

Just before Megadeth came on, some dude started poking me, so I turned round. It was this bald Geordie bloke (think he was already drunk/stoned at that point) and he asked me if I thought Testament had sounded good. I said "I thought they were brilliant". He replied "fucking shit" and this was the start of him complaining all night inbetween every damn song!....Why buy a ticket and come if you're gonna slag all these bands off?? How can you even slate these 3 bands!? He then had some friends join him just as Megadeth started and I was stood up as they launched into the first track. Then, I felt hands pulling at my shirt and I got punched in the back! I turned round and tugged back, an it was the bald guy and his mate telling me to sit down or they'd "fuck me up". Sit down?? Sit Down!!?? It's fucking Megadeth! How can anyone sit down!?? I did.... I did because I'd gone on my own and this guy was there with about 4 other ppl. So I would've been thrown out for a start if there was any trouble and then got my butt kicked outside. It ruined the night from then on in. The music was still good, but I was annoyed and couldn't enjoy myself like I wanted. For the next 3 hours I had my chair kicked and my hair pulled and got called a fag that didn't belong there because I was "too young"!? (There were ppl younger than me there and I was wearin' a vintage Priest shirt from '84!) To top it off, some guy in front was smoking skunk all night and it reeked real bad. I couldn't believe how lax security was about it all, even with the seat jumping too.

Megadeth played; Blackmail The Universe, Take No Prisoners, Wake Up Dead, Hangar 18, Holy Wars, Sleepwalker, Washington Is Next, A Toute Le Monde, In My Darkest Hour, Peace Sells, Symphony Of Destruction and Mechanix.

Megadeth were also top notch, my only gripe was that I couldn't see very well. Funny note also: When Megadeth's roadie was testing Chris Broderick's guitar, he played the riff from "Run To The Hills" which resulted in mass booing from everyone in the crowd.......it was sweet.

Finally, after almost 30mins of waiting and many "Spinal Tap" moments with cables and rigging and lights and smoke.....Judas Priest!

JP played; Nostradamus, Metal Gods, Eat Me Alive, Between The Hammer & The Anvil, Dissident Aggressor, Messenger Of Death, Sinner, Hell Patrol, Breaking The Law, Rock Hard Ride Free, Electric Eye, Hell Bent For Leather, Painkiller, Devil's Child, Green Manalishi and You've Got Another Thing Coming....

Priest were great too, they sounded alot clearer out of the three bands also. Rob Halford had his Harley on stage aswell and I was quite glad that they only played 2 songs from this new concept album. My favourite thing about the entire night really, was watching K.K. Downing. He was amazing and made it seem like it was Priest of 20+ years ago, just really energetic, a joy to behold.

RATING:

Masters Of The Universe (1987)

2009-10-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

Masters Of The Universe (or MOTU) is one of the first films I can ever remember watching from my childhood, along with the likes of Big, The Goonies and Beetlejuice (I can't for the life of me, pinpoint which was the first film I ever saw). As everyone knows it's based on the popular cartoon and comic book strips of He-Man, which in turn was made as a marketable version of Conan for little kids. Now, the live action movie is far removed from the cartoon, which was to many fans (the aforementioned little kids) chagrin. There are characters added and characters taken out, but in my opinion that did not hurt the film, as all we were bothered about was He-Man! I caught the cartoon series late, but I had all the toys and play sets (I still have some of them!) and looking back at it recently, I have to say it doesn't hold up well. Watching MOTU, the cartoon became somewhat of a nostalgia killer for me, but nevertheless I'm still fond of it. I'm also one of few people I know, who actually prefers the film version. Even with all of it's problems I find it to be far superior and far more enjoyable than the saturday morning 'toon.

I will always remember the first time I watched this film and I absolutely loved it to bits! Skeletor (Frank Langella) has taken over Eternia and is trying to harness the power of a "magic key" that will aid him in his plot to dominate all the galaxies. However, He-Man (Dolf Lundgren) is there to get in his way. Anyway, a small battle takes place and He-Man and co meet the extremely irritating Gwildor (Billy Barty), who has one of these "magic keys" leading to the heroes escaping to Earth. Once on the unfamiliar planet and having lost the key, He-Man comes to the rescue of Julie (Courtney Cox) who has found said key. Skeletor sends his minions to find the key and to kill He-man, ultimately leading to a big showdown and dramatic finale.

I always used to love the sound that cosmic key made, that screwed up progression of synthy notes was really wonderful to me as a child. I haven't noticed any small touch or whimsical moment in any modern children's flicks that matches it.
I loved Skeletor and his horde of mutants the most though, Frank Langella makes this movie! He is a great actor and I have seen him in many varied roles over the years, but this is his best by far. He is so into character and backed by great make-up and costume, that he really makes Skeletor menacing. The Skeletor from the cartoon has always seemed camp to me with a bad voice-over but Langella is rasping and larger than life. Dolf Lundgren is wooden. I don't expect He-Man (if he were real) to be a good, diverse actor or linguistical genius anyway.

Originally this film was supposed to be entirely based on Eternia, but the film went vastly over budget and they had to keep shutting down production all the time for various reason. They then ran out of money completely. There was also supposed to be a sequel, thus explaining the moment at the very, very end of the film (Skeletors head popping up exclaiming - "I'll be back!"). That was canned, due to the cost and admitted failure of this feature. I'm led to believe the intended sequel's script was morphed into "Cyborg", one of Jean Claude Van Damme's worst films.

I know people who did and didn't grow up with this, they tend to hate it, but I look on it with cheesy fondness. It's a film of it's time, full of fantasy and warmth standing well beyond a vast percentage of the trash churned out today. It's no "master"piece (pun intended), but it's very enjoyable and I wouldn't hesitate to sit a child of mine (if ever I have one!?) before the TV, to bask in the 80s glory of MOTU.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

-The planet of Eternia is in fact, one room
-You can't get shot whilst barechested, ever
-Humanoid aliens can't grasp the concept of fried chicken
-Finding weird instruments in open graves is perfectly normal
-Lizards are afraid of skeletons
-80s synthersizers can open intergalatic portals
-Harnessing the power of the universe will cover you in gold
-Dolf Lundgren can bring your parents back from the dead

Best Quote: "Tell me about the loneliness of good, He-Man. Is it equal to the loneliness of evil?"

RATING:

What The Fuck Is Flash Metal?

2009-10-31T16:13:00.001-07:00

Flash Metal is a special term I like to reserve for a select few bands that achieve what I consider to be 80s rock perfection, in regards to overall sound and style contained within at least one LP. Flash Metal consists of ice cold analogue production, catchy hooks created by guitars sounding more like laser guns, razorblade bass lines and splashy yet sparse drum fills. The music is heavy, chugging and unashamedly upbeat, even if expelling an almost vapid quality at times. Flash Metal brims with sleazy energy and excitement, vocalists that spit out rasping innuendo during a verse and deliver melodic euphoria at every chorus. It may be dubbed heavy metal, glam, pop rock, but it all falls mistily under one dirty umbrella, dripping neon, draped in glitter and offering up huge slices of pure Flash Metal indulgence. Prime examples would be albums such as Ratt's "Invasion Of Your Privacy" and Lizzy Borden's "Visual Lies". These types of records are the gasoline to my already raging fire, every note is another bundle of energy assimilated into my very soul. Welcome...

Halloween - Don't Metal With Evil (1985)

2009-10-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

1. Busted
2. Scared To Death
3. Justice For All
4. Trick Or Treat
5. The Wicked Witch
6. Don't Metal With Evil
7. What A Nice Place
8. Haunted
9. She's A Teazer
10. Tales From The Crypt
11. To Fight The Beast

Detroit, home of Ford, Chrysler, the NBA's Detroit Pistons, NFL's Detroit Lions and Motown. My old man loves Motown with a burning passion and is always bangin' on about how he's gonna visit Detroit someday or if not, Egypt. He fuckin' loves Egypt too, but that's another pointless, boring story that has nothing to do with what I'm eventually leading to, so back to Detroit. Now, my father does like his rock, he spent years travelling the world in the Merchant Navy (the manly navy!), listening to Deep Purple, Sabbath and picking up weird Vietnamese Santana albums whilst being all manly, scoring with chicks in smoky bars and catching sharks with his bare hands. His first musical love though was soul music, Motown in particular. Over the years I have seen him peel open his bashed up, blacker-than-black wallet and part with what was, clearly stupid wads of cash in order to purchase 1 track singles or 2 track test pressings, which he has never played and then regrettably sold on at a loss. I totally understand that nostalgic need to possess rare, original musical artefacts and to pay over the odds for that album you just had to have, but most of the time you end up with half an hour's worth of steaming crap recorded in a bucket. In my case anyway...

I will admit that I take my consumerist, Heavy Metal mission to extremes. I've often had a pathetic two-figure sum sitting in my bank account, with next to nothing residing in my cupboards or refrigerator and gone out and bought a stack of LPs with whatever chump change I had left. Yes, welcome to my world where the sound of machine-gun guitars, glass-shattering vocal chords and lyrics about; how dark the night is, how the fire burns and how you've got to fight for the rock, takes precedence over eating and generally staying alive! I have splashed the cash on some trash indeed, the Only Childs/Tokyo Blades and Jag Wires of this world but, I finally have a gem to really praise and rant about! Halloween's 1985 opus "Don't Metal With Evil".

"Trick or treat/Face defeat/Give me something dead to eat!"

Detroit has given birth to many bands over the years; MC5, Stooges, Ted Nugent, Alice Cooper, the RamRods, the Colours, Trash Brats, Syrant, Corrupt, Almighty Strut, Teezer, Trauma, Seduce, Madam X and Halloween...Halloween officially formed in...surprise, surprise, October of 1983 after working the local circuit for about a year as Bitch. The band actually announced the name change live on stage, in the middle of a gig. They had already been using their now infamous tag of; "Detroit's Heavy Metal Horror Show" well before deciding on this new moniker. Halloween was comprised of; Brian Thomas (vocals), Rick Craig (guitar), George Neal (bass) and Bill Whyte (drums) rounding out the band.

These guys had and still do have, one heck of a show! Brian Thomas and his horde of zombie metalheads decorated their stage sets with cobwebs, candles, cemetery gates, pumpkins and whatever else local moms, dads, kids and strippers probably donated to 'em. (Yeah, I know it's all been done before and Overkill and W.A.S.P. were doing all that demented shit back then, but these dudes have never given it up - so respect is due)
The band had a kind of Motley Crue/Alice Cooper/Witch thing going on with regards to their overall sound, albeit much heavier than the two. In the looks department they matched pretty much what you heard and saw on stage - appearing like a demonic version of The Sweet after they'd been locked up in a mental asylum for butchering their 14yr-old teeny-bopper, stripper girlfriends!
Oh they use plenty of pyrotechnic tom-foolery too! Apparently, back in the early days a flame projector went off under vocalist Brian Thomas when he was onstage, mid-song.
The guy is so bad-ass that he proceeded to do two more songs and THEN seek medical treatment! He used to wear painted skulls on his face and being oil-based, the skull design burnt onto his skin! How fucking Metal is that (!)? Also, if that wasn't painful enough for the guy, he lost bits of his hair and ended up with melted spandex stuck to his legs! (Eat your heart out Nikki Sixx!)

"I tried to warn you/stay away from hell...
It might be too late now/can you hear the bell"

Originally limited to 3,000 copies (LP), the band's debut "Don't Metal With Evil" was released on their own self-financed and awesomely named - Motor City Metal label, featuring song titles such as; "Scared To Death", "Wicked Witch", "Tales From The Crypt" and "To Fight The Beast". I love this album, it's one of those rare albums that I can play not having any high expectations of and then it kicks my ass right the way through with no filler at all. My favourite track by some considerable distance has to be "Trick Or Treat", with its' intro of kids walking up to a house on Halloween and the door creaking open, then bam! A spooky sonic guitar assault gets under way, backed by a great, galloping bass and drums that sound like Bill Whyte was wacking a large fish against barrels of toxic waste. The lyrics as you would expect from a group such as this are cheesy as hell, with the "look how scary we are" approach, talkin' 'bout witches and werewolves and how black the night is, how the fire's gonna burn you and that the howling wind howls....etc...etc...
It is great though, really. The production is terrible, but it's not the band's fault. They have stuck to their guns and portrayed this whole image for over 25 years, without a sniff of a major label. I've read a couple of interviews with some of the guys and they pretty much state that labels wouldn't touch the band because they didn't know how to "market them". This was a time of big hair, make-up and killer chops....err...Halloween....err....check!
No, I get it. I do. They come across as a novelty band, but there were plenty of metal bands of that decade who emerged and created their own niche, a market emerged because of those bands. (Insert popular, sell-out thrash metal band here)
There was fear of confusion with German Maiden rip-offs Helloween too. The two sound completely different and who the fuck would call a band Helloween?? It's quite obvious to me what should have been done - make the Germans change their stupid name!

Halloween soldiered on and on and on, no big deal that they deserved, not even a little deal (Metal Blade would've been perfect) They never sold out though, not one little bit. They toured outside of Michigan, doing a short headlining tour in L.A., but never once moved there - no this was a band that lived by it's own rules and said no to jumping on any shaky, fucking bandwagon!. To make matters worse, they had the second album held back. (Momentum killer, plain and simple) "Victims of the Night" was supposed to appear back in '86, it would be ten long years until the band got the tapes and put it out to their bloodthirsty legion of fans.
Other albums have seen the light of day though, dragging themselves out of the vaults and serving up; "No One Gets Out" in 1991 and more recently "Horror-Fire" released on 06/06/06 (ya' get it?) with the EP "E.vil P.ieces 6/6/6"

"We never really went away, we just kinda' fell off the radar a few times." [Brian Thomas]

Nowadays, Thomas and Neal have been joined by; Shawn Moore (guitar), Don Guerrier (guitar) and Rob Brug (drums) and continue to put on shows throughout the year with all the guts an gore and still play with plenty of pride, which is why they remain true underdogs and flash metal favourites of yours truly!

RATING:

London - Non-Stop Rock (1985)

2009-10-31T16:00:00.000-07:00

1. Dirty City
2. Non-Stop Rock
3. Werewolves in London
4. It's Rock N' Roll
5. Stand Back
6. No Tell Motel
7. Party in Hollywood
8. Masters of the Airwaves
9. Radio Stars

Man, London must've been the most unlucky bunch (probably bigger than bunch, whatever that is?) of spandex & lipstick wearing, shiny-ass sleazeballs ever to crawl around the sunset strip. In fact, they didn't crawl man; they were flash-metal kings, glam gods, "Masters of the Airwaves". Well, maybe not masters (took these dudes 12 years to get a damn video on the 'ol fuzz box!), but at places like the Starwood (they became the regular house band), they owned the fucking joint! They had the gear and enough chops, killer riffs, and they had the L.A. glambanger look nailed down. London were the kind of 80s band that wore so much make-up and hairspray that people probably died due to Aqua-Net inhalation or drowned under globs of Maybelline infested sweat in front of the stage at places like the Roxy or the Whiskey. They influenced ALOT of fellow L.A. metalheads, fucked ALOT of chicks and were a sort of stepping stone if you will, paving the way for bands that are now regarded as friggin' rock legends! Lizzie Grey famously turned down Axl Rose for the vocalist spot, 'coz he didn't think the ginger nut job could sing!

Formed in 1978 London originally comprised of; Lizzie Grey (guitar), formerly of Tear Garden; Nikki Sixx (bass), Blackie Lawless (guitar), Dane Rage (drums) and was rounded out with Michael White (vocals).

They were clearly heavily influenced by The Sweet, NY Dolls & Mott The Hoople, but had developed a grittier, more dangerous sound comparable to the likes of pretty-boy, flash-metal gods, Ratt and Motley Crue.

Line-up changes would dog them their entire career, first White left to form the ill-fated and stupidly named "The White", Blackie Lawless would leave to form legendary metal monsters W.A.S.P. Nikki Sixx then opted out, taking with him the Lizzie Grey penned "Public Enemy #1" and became an MTV darling with Hollywood hell raisers Motley Crue.
More band members came and went, (more on that later) replacements came and went until screecher Nadir D'Priest (vocals), Brian West (bass) and Fred Coury (drums) joined a battered and bruised Lizzie Grey.

"GOT IT IF YOU NEED IT - NON-STOP-ROCK!"

In 1985, for good 'ol Mike Varney's guitar-wank Shrapnel label, they managed to keep the line-up together long enough to record what is in my opinion, the greatest glam-rock record ever committed to the black stuff. "Non-Stop-Rock" did exactly what is said on tin. Album opener "Dirty City" clocked in at around 2mins35, and practically slid into my head, got hammered, smashed a TV against my skull and had sex with my brain! Once that was over, along came the title track...the kind of song that gives a man that uncontrollable urge to go out dressed like a $2 dollar hooker and fight for no reason at all. (Maybe to fight that mystical heavy metal war bands are always bangin' on about?) Then, the third track is ALMOST a ballad, but it isn't, not really. "Werewolves In London"!! Fuck, these cats had never even been outta L.A. never mind rainy, shitty 'ol rat city London. All we can guess is that maybe Lizzie was watching that horror flick "American Werewolf In London" a bit to much, so as you've already figured it out unless you are an inbred retard is, that this song is about.....werewolves.....and they’re in....LONDON! Anyway, the song kick-ass and starts all creepy and atmospheric and someone filmed some grainy video for it at some club, with smoke everywhere, choking the shit out of everyone in the front row! But that's what it's all about right? Other highlights of this glitter-glazed monster include "Radio Stars", (possibly London's attempt at achieving that actual title) a poppy little number that sounds like Bowie or Bolan on Acid. "No Tell Motel" is the other stand-out. Goddamnn!!! Even L.A. Guns and Motley woulda killed for a raunchy, sleaze gem like this to add to their arsenal. It pre-dates all those raven-haired heroin whores in cowboy boots and Sid Vicious t-shirts with its hotel room debauchery, drug-addled desperation and oh yeah….suicide!! The type of song that makes suicide seem cool and rather fun (as long as it's in a motel room full of sluts, snorting coke off each other's ass-cracks and your hair is teased up to hell!) All in all, the London debut rocks!

All was not well though, (even before the album) people weren't getting on. Everyone thought London were going to hit it big just like Motley Crue, Ratt & Poison, and they should have been but they just couldn't keep it together...

London's Revolving Door Policy:
London's list of members pretty much reads like a who's who (and a who never did) of hairspray, hotshot rock n' rollers. Hell, I think only fuckin' Black Sabbath can touch these guys for the amount of fella's that either left/got fired/re-hired/were total shit/or probably fuckin' died!
Here's a list of some of the bastards, most of whom bit the hand that fed 'em and some who stuck it out 'til that bitter end.......
Blackie Lawless (W.A.S.P.); Nigel Benjamin (Mott the Hoople); Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue); Fred Coury (Cinderella); Izzy Stradlin, Steven Adler, & Slash (Guns ‘N Roses); Leslie Knauer (Precious Metal); Desi Valentine & Nigel Itson(D’Molls); John Ward (Madam X); Vince Gilbert (Jag Wire/Cult) John St. John; Tim Yasui; Michael White......err.......there's actually far too many, but you get the idea!
Ex Drummer Dane Rage left in the early 80s to become a fucking inventor and now has his own toy company!!

Now and again, even guitarist and London mainman Lizzie Grey would get sick of the band and wound up playing in an early version of Blackie Lawless' Sister around 1981 and also St. Valentine around '83.

When Nigel Benjamin left, he ended up recording with a band called Sorcery, who sound tracked heavy-metal splatter flick "Rocktober Blood" in 1988 (banned in Australia 'til the mid 90's don't ya know)

By 1986, the band line-up had fluctuated again, only slightly though'. Fred Coury went to bang skins for Cinderella so in came "Wailin' J Morgan" (you can't make this shit up!), who lasted just one album, the Kim Fowley produced "Don't Cry Wolf" and looked like he’d been fuckin' electrocuted on the cover (which he was barely on!) and they missed him off on the back, so he must've had a clue he was a goner. "Don't Cry Wolf" also has a fuckin' wolf on the cover, and a super-imposed one at that! I'm sure they could've used a real wolf! A wolf isn’t gonna want to chow down on any Ray Brown produced silk garments, max factor flesh and dyed hair is it?? Surely not??

"Don't Cry Wolf" is pretty much carries on where London left off on the debut, it kicks ass! Well, the first side does anyway, firing off with the proto-metal blast that is "Drop Me The Bomb" which is about some woman dropping a bomb i think (there's so many about women and bombs ain't there?), now I don't have a clue at all what that means, it could mean anything frankly. This bitch could of 'fessed up 'bout cheating on one of our hairspray heroes, she could be knocked up or maybe she's just let one off???
"Set Me Free" & "Hit and Run Lover" & "Under The Gun" are quite similar in that they are all rollercoaster rides of swaggering, frantic, glam madness and from these first four tracks you can see how fantastic Lizzi Grey is as a guitar player. Then the London boys go a bit sour ...."Oh Darling".....Fucking Beatles cover man! I must let it be known now how much I hate John "dirt hippie" Lennon and Paul "look how rich I am now Johnny's dead" McCartney!
This song is shit, what's worse is that London's version sounds almost like a fucked up 50's doo-wop song! So, we flip over to side two. That's better. "Fast As Light" most certainly is and this album in places almost borders on speed-metal, which is killer!
"Killing Time" is about some cheatin' bitch fucking around with men who have hairy chests and medallions and "stink of cheap cologne", so it's cool, I can relate to that.
The other track worth a mention is "For Whom The Bell Tolls" (No not that one!), which was a track actually written by a Mr. Blackie Lawless, W.A.S.P. didn't use it until the remaster of their 1989 stonker "The Headless Children", (it was cut from the original LP) and is a very cool track, it bobs along at a steady pace, but there's some broody/moody shit going on there definitely.

Notably, the band made an appearance in the Penelope Spheeris film "Decline Of The Western Civilization II: The Metal Years” (1988) performing "Russian Winter" and the excellent "Breakout", they are also interviewed whilst slightly intoxicated.
The D'Priest version of the band also make an appearance in "Hollywood Boulevard II" (1989), performing the the song "Nothing Happens".

After "Don't Cry Wolf" didn't cry anything, Lizzie got disenchanted with his baby and left in the L.A. wilderness in 1988*. He went on to form Ultra-pop, which later became the amazing Spiders & Snakes with Lizzie on vocals, who were just as glam and spaced out as London! So, what happened to the rest of 'em, well they all fucked off again apart from D'Priest who got another batch of hired guns to play on the London merry-go-round, eventually naming the band after himself** (cuz D'Priest is way cooler a name than London.....right???errr??) They released "Playa Del Rock" in 1990 on the Noise International label and it went nowhere. It pains me to say this but, "Playa Del Rock" is total shit. They had toned down the image, they had toned down the rock, it was watered down so bad you could probably Drinka-Del Rock! There is one song that is awesome tho', when played loud it can take you away to a magical desert landscape, with horses and a big Mexican dude in a black dress waving all over the godamn place (that's the video!). "Ride You Through The Night", what a way to sign out guys! What a song! Actually, "Russian Winter" and "It's So Easy" (no not that one either!) are bloody good as well, but what follows that opening salvo is poppy, mediocre barf ladies and gents!

The band finally called it a day by the end of 1991, thus ending the London legacy.

**D'Priest popped up again recently claiming London was back and was working on a new album, but that was 3 years ago now, plus he's all old and he's cut his hair(!) an it'll be shit, so I don't give a flying monkey fuck! (Sorry Nadir!)

*About 2 years back I also spent some time e-mailing Lizzie about his "London Daze" and and about a demo I had of "Rainbow Bar & Girls" a song which had been re-recorded and butchered by Nadir D'Priest and some rapper friends(!) trying to capture that whole Aerosmith/Run DMC thing, but obviously failing miserably. Lizzie was cool, took time out and was a complete gentleman......A true rock n' roll survivor.

RATING:

To Live & Die In L.A. (1985)

2009-10-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

Director William Friedkin (Exorcist/French Connection) was trying to shock audiences and make sleek, sensational, ice-cold thrillers long before MTV rock videos and ''Miami Vice'' were fashionable. ''To Live & Die in L.A.'' is Friedkin at his glossiest, presenting a great-looking, riveting movie without one iota of warmth or soul. On its own terms, it's practically a masterpiece, though it's a film that sacrifices everything in the interests of style. Though, this is not much of a problem when it comes to my personal tastes.

Technically a police drama, ''To Live and Die in L.A.'' is a collection of crisp images, sudden starts and well-timed, periodic kicks designed to keep an audience on its toes. Played out by a then, cast of virtual unknowns and filled with a pulsating soundtrack served up by 80’s new wave group Wang Chung, this movie was everything I was looking for, without actually looking for it. I bought the movie completely on a whim…..and what a whim! Although I must admit that Friedkin can't give this kind of thing much emotional depth, he certainly knows how to make it exciting.

William Chance (William Petersen – Manhunter/CSI) is a Secret Service agent whose partner is murdered by calculating, counterfeiter extraordinaire Rick Masters (Willem Dafoe – Streets Of Fire/Platoon). Chance swears to take down Masters, one way or the other, a promise that sends him and his new partner John Vukovitch (John Pankow) into a tailspin of cat and mouse where they begin to break the rules and get in over their heads. This is not the old buddy-movie formula or the typical Dirty Harry and the “new partner” scenario by a long shot. Chance is an appropriate name for the distant, hotshot agent, who enjoys the rush of base jumping in his spare time, whilst Vukovitch is caught between doing right by his partner and saving his career.

Even though the viewer is given the bare minimum to go on, in regards to familiarising with the main protagonists, you are taken on a great ride full of twists and turns. It’s like a distant glance upon these people and the situations that they find themselves in, a quick snapshot of chaos which is constantly building up. I found ''To Live and Die in L.A.'' to be brilliantly acted and each shot and scene executed to perfection. This movie contains the most realistic and somewhat graphic shootings I’ve seen on screen and possibly the greatest car chase in cinema history.

I would strongly recommend this film to pretty much anyone and cannot praise it enough in terms of unexpected thrills and pure, hard drama.
It's a cynical and very brutal look into the world of law enforcement (adapted by Friedkin from former Secret Service man Gerald Petievich’s novel) and a cold portrayal of the power games between cops and the feds, and cops and their informants.

Best Quote: "Guess what? Uncle Sam don't give a shit about your expenses. You want bread, fuck a baker."

RATING:

Over The Top (1987)

2009-10-31T15:38:00.000-07:00

Over The Top is a strange film. First off, I have no idea what genre this film falls into. I mean, sure it’s a sort of family/action drama (trust me, it’s very dramatic), but I believe it’s the only arm-wrestling movie I have ever come across. So does that classify it as a “sports” film? And if so, I would really be stretching that term. Secondly, it’s a very strange star vehicle for Sly Stallone, coming in off the back of successful Rocky and Rambo outings, to a plot where…….well, there’s not much plot, plus it carries the tagline “Some fight for money….Some fight for glory….He’s fighting for his son’s love.” How wussy does that sound?

Basically, Lincoln Hawk (Stallone) is trucker making deliveries and arm wrestling for extra cash on the side. His estranged wife is dying and knowing that she does not have long, asks Hawk to pick up their son from the military academy and get to know him on the way to see her. Hawk’s son Michael (David Mendenhall), is at first unwilling to accept his father after he walked out on him and his mother, but warms soon after some traffic dodging, arm wrestling and endless truck driving. My first gripe with this film (and this is hard, as I adore any 80s movie), is that Michael is so damn irritating. His character is such a stuck up egomaniac, that I was hoping Hawk would abandon him all over again by throwing him out onto the hot tarmac!

Anyway, Michael and Hawk bond, much to the chagrin of Michael’s cranky grandfather (Robert Loggia), who doesn’t want him having anything to do with his biological father and sends some goons after them to recover the boy. At one point Hawk rams his truck into grumpy gramps’ mansion to see Michael and gets busted in the process, which is probably the most exciting and action packed moment of the entire film. In order to stay out of trouble, Hawk has to agree to leave the state and not see Michael. He does so, heading to Vegas to compete in the arm wrestling championships. Michael, missing his estranged father after just one day, escapes and heads to Vegas too, but with gramps and goons not too far behind. Then comes some of the most ludicrous sequences of images I have ever had to behold: Large, sweaty men constantly thrust into frame screaming and flexing their muscles in extremely tight shirts. Oh the screaming! I can still hear it all now….I thought the Ultimate Warrior was going to run in at any moment for a cheap cameo, with his veins bursting all over the camera.

In the end, Hawk beats the champ, Bull, in slow motion, whilst covered in buckets of sweat to the typical soft rock anthem. He wins a new truck, wins his son back for good and they head off into the end credits happily ever after. I would admit that some scenes are quite heart-warming in this, that is, if it weren’t for the vast amount of cheese that has been grilled on top of this movie. It isn’t pretty, but can be enjoyable if you aren’t expecting anything requiring brains or if you really, really like arm wrestling.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

-Arm wrestling is a hugely popular “sport”.
-You can make up for 10 years of child neglect in 1 day.
-If you do weights with just one arm, both your arms will appear the same size.
-Eating cigarettes and drinking motor oil can enhance your performance.
-You can win any arm wrestling bout as long as you “feel strong”.
-12 year old boys can learn to a drive trucking rig in under 5mins.
-12 year old boys can also drive a car instantly and know the way to Las Vegas.
-Arm wrestling can solve all your problems, whether it be a family feud or financial issues.
-Sylvester Stallone’s shoulders are shaped like pillows.
-Robert Loggia is nobody’s father.

Best Quote: "The world meets nobody halfway. When you want something, you gotta take it."

RATING: