Bon Jovi - Slippery When Wet (1986)

1. Let It Rock
2. You Give Love A Bad Name
3. Living On A Prayer
4. Wanted Dead Or Alive
5. Social Disease
6. Never Say Goodbye
7. Wild In The Streets
8. I'd Die For You
9. Raise Your Hands
10. Without Love

If you think this is going to be a positive review then think again. I suggest going back the clinic and getting pricked again to safeguard that wacky little ounce of nostalgia you hold for this “product” - If that may be the case. I will pull no punches and will bask in negativity for I feel that I can see clearly – past the record sales, past the perms, the pearly whites and certainly past the mountain of bras left by every Jersey girl this side of Sayreville.

I’m sure there are plenty of people out there that just love Jonny B and the boys – obviously I’m in the minority here, but I am forever stunned that even their own fans are so blind as to brand them “rock” and that they are constantly rotated on every godforsaken video channel ever created – VH1 I’m shaking my head and fist at you here….Now before anyone gets to thinking “hey you dick, what about all the other hair/glam-pop, trash brat motherfuckers that flooded the airwaves back in the day?” What of them? – They who wore their hearts (and lingerie) on their sleeves, the dirty boys, the down boys who had actual attitude and were never afraid to take a walk on the wild side, to rock for the chicks and do it with passion? They are blameless, even the worst, sappiest offenders (I’m thinking of Trixter right about now) – even the biggest corporate whores, because there was always a bigger corporate whore to rely on.

Bon Jovi, the charlatans who sucked ass in so many ways, they were dumping double the dirt all over your fucking turntables and your little sisters brain. They didn't even look that great either, not like strung-out vampire hookers or your friends hot mom - more like muppets for the Tipper Gore gang.
Again, I hear you cry “But I thought you loved the 80s man, they (BJ) had good songs, what’s the big deal?” I do love the 80s, more than you can even begin to comprehend - the almighty decade of decadence - but I do not want it to go on being defined by these smiling assassins.


I held off buying Slippery When Wet for around 12 years. I eventually caved to curiosity and visited my local second-hand record store – 43mins and 50p later I would discover what all the fuss had been about………nothing. Take a look at the image at the top of this review. That’s the original album cover, apparently too risqué for Mercury Records to put out, so little Jonny B quickly grabbed a trash bag a sprayed some water on it and took a snap – what a fucking genius…..The truth of the matter is, little Jonny B “didn’t like” the pink border round the cover!? Now remember this is the fucking 80s, this is an 80s rock band, touring the world with all the glitter/glam kings Hollywood could birth – what the fuck is wrong with pink!? The chicks (the target market) would’ve loved it! I tell you why, ‘cause little Jonny B and his poodle pals were too insecure about their sexuality and being the tough Jersey dudes they think they are. Any sunset strip band, who even considered this some sort of dilemma, would have just “said fuck it” and shipped that mutha out. Hell these guys probably didn't even have pussy on their minds, when they dreamt up the title - they were probably groping some baby weasels...



Now, I will admit (and lets get this out of the way) that “Livin’ On A Prayer”, “Wanted Dead Or Alive” and “You Give Love A Bad Name” are great tracks that I have no real problem with, as I grew up with them – I too succumb so easily to the slightest morsel of nostalgic goodness. Those three tunes right there, are huge catchy-ass anthems, that no-one can deny. It’s just the rest of this plastic lump I have strong issues with. The rest of this is probably some of the blandest and most blatant filler I’ve heard in my entire life (and I own a 3,000+ strong record collection, so I’m no Paul Rees spunkwad). The fact is the band were unhappy that “they had not become the superstars they had hoped” – that’s a statement made by posers and pussies right their ladies and gentlemen. They had the label bring in outside writes such as the legendary Desmond Child and producer Bob Rock to carry their candy asses. So besides the three aforementioned (but totally overplayed) tracks, what are we left with? “Social Disease” …sucks. “I’d Die For You” …blows, as does “Never Say Goodbye”. If you actually get down to the bare bones of it, the bulk of Slippery is just a vehicle for the “hits” that will bring all the crispy green rolls in for JB’s sugar daddies back at the label….And slap my thigh and call me Dorothea! That’s exactly what happened – marketing folks, the mainstream pop bandwagon got rolling and it never fucking stopped. But, I can sleep easy, because look at these jerks now – they cut their hair, flirted with country and abandoned whatever “rock” genre you had them safely pigeon-holed in. They never sold out though and you know why? They never had anything raw and pure in the first place….

Thank you for reading and I await my lawsuit……

RATING:


*Sorry kids, no video as "embedding is disabled by request" - what a cryin' shame!


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